Since we’re apparently doing the whole “brink of nuclear war” bit again, it makes sense that we, as a nation, do all we can to suck the marrow out of what little time we have left. Well, more to the point, we need to suck every last molecule of Cheetos dust from our soon to be ash fingers. Just in time for the apocalypse, Frito-Lay has teamed up with celebrity chef Anne Burrell, the three way love child of Guy Fieri, Mario Batali and The Heatmiser, to bring you the Cheetos restaurant of your stoner dreams.
NBC NY reports:
An unapologetically Cheetos-themed restaurant is about to open in New York City, and Cheetos tacos, Cheetos fried pickles and Cheetos cheesecake are all on the menu.
The Spotted Cheetah pop-up restaurant will only be open for three days, though, from August 15 through August 17, so Cheetos fans will have to hurry if they want the dine-in experience at 211 West Broadway in Tribeca.
So, I guess Frito-Lay has set the over/under to total nuclear annihilation to three days from August 15. This does not give us a lot of time to get our affairs in order. I’m booking my passage well in advance and have made my reservation (via Opentable, as suggested) for 11:59 PM, August 17th, 2017 so I can burst into a flaming ball of Flaming Hot glory with a faceful of Cheetos Mix-ups Crusted Chicken Milanese (Anne’s bio says “She has studied the culinary landscape and traditions of Italy” so…). Per the website, this will be my last meal:
Because variety is the spice of life, this chicken fillet comes crusted with the four cheesy flavors of Cheetos Mix-Ups and paired with a salad of mixed greens, hazelnuts and pickled onions, topped with even more Cheetos Mix-Ups.
I can’t think of a better way to go. A Cheeto has its hand on the button so it makes perfect sense for this doomsday party in Tribeca be hosted by Cheetos. A Doritos Diner or a Twinkie Tea Room just wouldn’t have the same poetic symmetry. The menu for this event promises mutual assured destruction between your bowels and other Cheetos treats such as Cheetos Crusted Fried Pickles with Creamy Ranch, Cheetos Meatballs “sprinkled with ricotta cheese” and Spicy Cheetos Nachos “smothered with spicy sausage ragù.” You don’t have to worry about shitting your pants, the blast will take care of everything.
The doomsday clock is ticking for us humans but the Cheetos will live on, becoming a feast for the cockroaches and feeding the next generation of cheetah/roach hybrids that will rule in our stead. Let us join together while we can. If I don’t see you at The Spotted Cheeta, know that I loved you all and will meet you at the crossroads.