Donald Trump is the disgruntled pre-teen who can’t stay off Twitter because everyone’s mean and life’s unfair. He’s the embodiment of every unsatisfied, loud “I Wanna Speak To The Manager” customer whose hair looks like an overturned bird’s nest. He’s a Z-list reality star with A-List power and I honestly blame America for keeping him from his true calling: starring as the president of the United States opposite the Godmother of Hot Mess Tara Reid in the always classy and beautifully acted Sharknado franchise.
Don Cheeto is occupying his days by firing members of his administration every week like he’s producing a special season of The Apprentice from the Oval Office titled “We’re ALL Fucked!” However, in an alternative world without alternative facts and a high turnover rate at the White House, we all could have been laughing instead of crying while watching him grab some shark pussy and hold onto his orange frightened Muppet wig, running from danger!
The fifth entry in the fishy, fun filled franchise Sharknado 5: Global Swarming is set to premiere this Sunday on the SyFy network. The Hollywood Reporter spoke with various people affiliated with The Asylum, the distributor behind the Sharknado franchise, about that time they almost roped our Commander-in-Thief in for the role of a lifetime in 2015’s Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No! Originally, they looked far up North to Russia’s favorite neighbor Sarah Palin to play the Prez, but Sharknado star Ian Ziering suggested The Donald for the part instead. The production team reached out to him, and at first he was interested. That is, until he decided to play a very different role as America’s #1 villain by throwing his frayed toupee into the ring as a nominee for the presidency.
A contract was drawn up and sent to Trump attorney Michael D. Cohen — the same attorney currently under FBI investigation in connection with the Russia inquiry. But enthusiasm turned into weeks of silence from the Trump camp. Eventually, a reason for the stalling emerged. “Donald’s thinking about making a legitimate run for the presidency, so we’ll get back to you,” (The Asylum co-founder) David Latt recalls Cohen saying. “This might not be the best time.” With the production clock ticking, Asylum pulled the trigger on a backup plan, offering the role to Mark Cuban — a modest casting coup that Syfy trumpeted with a press release.
Now why they go and do that? Because at this point, we know exactly how mature and tactful his response was.
“Then we immediately heard from Trump’s lawyer,” recalls Latt. “He basically said, ‘How dare you? Donald wanted to do this. We’re going to sue you! We’re going to shut the entire show down!’ ” Contacted by THR, Cohen acknowledges a dinner with Ziering to discuss casting Trump but says he has no recollection of the angry correspondence.
See America. It’s all YOUR fault for holding Don Cheeto back from his one and only true calling: bargain basement B-movie SUPERSTAR! Then again, every day he acts like he knows what he’s doing and none of us are here for that shitty performance. So maybe Sharknado would have just been a step backwards in his career.