Outback Steakhouse Denies Illuminati Ties

July 31, 2017 / Posted by:

And Beyonce replies, “Sure, Jan.”

Twitter had everyone wondering if Outback Steakhouse’s dark bread stood for the DARK ARTS this weekend after people posted extremely reliable images linking the restaurant to—what else??—the occult. I mean, any of y’all ever see how many Weight Watchers points are in a Bloomin’ Onion? No wonder the creators of it would be a bunch of deranged demons!

Someone on Twitter (via Complex) took to mapping out the locations of the Aussie-influenced chain, and, while Kylie Minogue and a jazz handsy Hugh Jackman were nowhere to be found, pentagrams sure as shit were!

And those weren’t the only ones! People started pointing out pentagrams from North Carolina to Seattle and back over to Sin-cinatti. Outback even got in on the action, saying, “If the Bloomin’ Onion is evil then we don’t want to be nice.” Touché, Outback! Just before Kirk Cameron and the White Army over at Chick-fil-A could grab their pitchforks and holy water (aka Chick-fil-A Sauce) and start burning Dan Brown books in the nearest Outback parking lot, a spokesperson issued a half-assed denial.

The company said it saw things differently from the pentagrams, and, when asked of their evil plans beyond giving each of their customers early onset diabetes, the spokesperson replied (via The Daily Dot): “No plans, other than to bring bold steaks and Bloomin’ Onions to our guests!” Sounds exactly like what a cult leader says before they start passing out the funky Kool-Aid. Watch out, lemmings. One minute you’re munching on an Aussie-Tizer, the next you wake up in Reno working the main stage because a voice told you to. Just ask Nicole Kidman! How else can you explain that country ho-down getup?!



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