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July 30, 2017 / Posted by:

The Grape Escape!

I’m more than sure that people who study serial killers will tell you that their research shows that 100% of psychopaths in their late-20s and early-30s played The Grape Escape as little kids and loved every vicious murderous second of it. In 1992, Parker Brothers put out the perfect board game for the tiny minions of Lucifer who filled with evil joy from torturing and killing grape creatures made out of Play-Doh. The object of that serial killer-training game was to get your Play-Doh grape through the “Jam Factory”  without it getting sliced, stomped and sent to Play-Doh Jesus. Each little grape murderer took turns rolling the dice, and whatever number they got, they had to move their piece that many spaces. If they landed on a “jam station” (aka a torture chamber that turned Play-Doh grapes into Play-Doh grape jam), they had to wait and hope that none of the other players rolled “crank.” If one of the players rolled “crank” on the die, they got to let out a high-pitched cackle while using the contraption to slice, dice or stomp on that Play-Doh grape. The players whose Play-Doh grape was murdered had to rebuild them in the “mold” and go back to the starting place.

Complex says that the powers-that-be in the UK felt that the game was way too damn violent for the delicate senses of innocent children, so they banned that bitch. Here in the US, the game only lasted a year before Parker Brothers squashed it to death and sent it to the failed board games grave yard. If you’re the Fruit of the Looms gape guy, then the commercial for The Grape Escape was like a horrifying snuff film to you.

It’s kind of a shame that The Grape Escape isn’t around today, because if it was, parents would easily know if they were dealing with a serial killer-in-the-making. If their kid asked for that game for a gift, they could nod nervously and smile as they excused themselves to call the men in white coats!

Pic: Etsy

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