As you may have known, back in 2014, Charlize Theron was allegedly approached by Tia Mowry while they waited to go into the spin torture chamber that is SoulCycle. Charlize allegedly was all, “Sister/Sister is gonna get Blister/Blistered by my knuckles if she don’t get up out my face!” (I’m paraphrasing…or am I?!) The whole thing turned into a competing form of cardio that doesn’t cost $34 a class, as we all raced around trying to see who was going to say what, or who was going to try and get the other blacklisted from hopping on a stationary bike and getting screamed at by a twink to the tune of a sick Reba McEntire remix for an hour.
Charlize went on Watch What Happens Live last week to say she’s basically a first-class flight attendant at SoulCycle, going around greeting everyone and offering them warm nuts and sunshine, so the whole thing had to be made up. I’m sure if Sen. Susan Collins’s hot mic was on, we would have heard Charlize say while they cut to commercial, “Andy, I’m banning your plaid-wearing, shit-stirring ass from spin, too, just for bringing it up.”
E! caught up with Tia while she was volunteering at Children’s Hospital in Los Angeles to ask about her lady drama. Tia, WHO STARTED THE WHOLE DAMN THING BY SNITCHING ABOUT IT TO INTOUCH, replied in the manner in which, I dunno, a certain Atomic Blonde would have wanted her to: “The only thing I have to say about that is I don’t know Charlize. It was all blown out of proportion. I respect her. I think she’s amazing.”
Case closed… or is it? Apparently Tia released a new cookbook called Whole New You: How Real Food Transforms Your Life, for a Healthier, More Gorgeous You. She claims the advice helped her lose 20 pounds. Now, why would Tia need to change her eating habits if she just stuck to SoulCycle… unless… SHE WAS BANNED! I hear you, girl. Tia, blink once for ok! Blink twice for, “I miss the cucumber water and Soul Candle!”