Coke Monkeys With A Classic Once Again

Here’s another item to be filed under “things we never asked for.” Coke, it seems, learned nothing from 1985’s disastrous decision to change their formula. Because here they are again, messing with people’s pop! This time around, it’s fans of Coke Zero who are in for a big surprise come August.

Business Insider reports:

On Wednesday, Coca-Cola announced plans to stop selling Coke Zero in the US in August, replacing it with a beverage with a different recipe, design, and name: Coke Zero Sugar.

That is bold, Coke. Bold indeed. People get real loyal about their soda of choice ’round these parts. Plus it’s confusing. To me, Coke Zero Sugar just sounds like Coke Zero with sugar added. But I guess I’m just dumb, because BI also says:

With zero sugar and zero calories, the drink is designed for customers seeking lower-sugar options. According to Quincey, many people don’t understand that Diet Coke and Coke Zero do not contain any sugar. With Coke Zero Sugar, that’s front and center.

Well, I’m even more confused now. Maybe I just don’t speak “Press Release” very well. Which one has the sugar now? Zero still means none, right? Which one has “lower-sugar” and which one has “zero sugar?” Or are you telling me that the one with the big SUGAR written on it is the one that doesn’t have sugar, or is it the one that says Diet on it that has none, or to use your preferred term, zero sugar?

Despite my confusion, Coca-Cola CEO James Quincey isn’t worried about the change. BI states that he said:

Confusion about the new name and design has been minimal. Coke Zero Sugar bottles and cans have plenty of visual cues to link it to the Coke Zero brand as well as the larger Coca-Cola brand — part of the company’s “One Brand” strategy to more strongly connect its colas under a single umbrella.

Ah, I see. This is a global conspiracy against America. They’ve been testing Coke Zero Sugar in a bunch of other markets and James says it’s been successful. I have one question for James (who is British). Have you ever met an American? That shit may fly in Europe, but this is the United States of America, dammit. Coke is our birthright. We didn’t let you get away with this chicanery in 1985 and we’re not going to stand for it in 2017. You’ll pull our Coke Zero cans out of our cold, dead hands or we’ll see you in court!

Pic: Instagram