Lana Del Rey: The Sleepiest Witch

July 25, 2017 / Posted by:

Back in February, somnolent songstress Lana Del Rey posted a cryptic message on Twitter with some dates and the message “ingredients can b found online.” Internet detectives quickly cracked the code and deducted that Lana was referencing a mass binding spell meant to prevent Donald Trump from doing harm. Some of you hags out there must have mixed up your eye of newt with your pubes of a virgin unicorn, because that shit clearly didn’t work.

In a recent interview with NME magazine, Lana was asked if she ever actually took part in the act of mass witchery. NME reports:

“Yeah, I did it. Why not? Look, I do a lot of s**t.” Do you cast other spells at home?”

“I’m in line with Yoko and John and the belief that there’s a power to the vibration of a thought. Your thoughts are very powerful things and they become words, and words become actions, and actions lead to physical changes.”

This sounds like some lazy-ass magic, Lana. If this is your definition of magic, then call me Endora and throw me in a river. Because this morning, I had a vibration in my butt and I thought to myself “I have to poop” and then I said out loud to my cat “get up, I’m gonna go poop” and I went to the bathroom and pooped which caused a physical change in that I no longer had to poop. What Lana is describing sounds more like The Secret than The Necronomicon.

Is Lana Del Rey really the most powerful witch we have right now? Isn’t Cher an actual witch? I mean, I know she’s played one, but I feel like I would trust Cher’s magic. Can we get Rihanna enrolled in witch school if she’s not already one? All you witches out there listen up. We need some powerful magic up in this bitch, ASAP! No more of this half-assed lighting candles  and chanting mumbo jumbo. I’m talking a blood sacrifice, chips, dips, chains and whips type scenario. This is no time to hold back.


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