All of you supposedly serious auteurs can just cancel your plans for Cannes next year. The next film to win the Palme de’Or is here! Charlie Sheen, Gina Gershon, and Whoopi Goldberg (?!?) are starring in the most tasteful and necessary film experience in decades. Picture it. Total strangers trapped in a high-rise elevator must work together to survive before the cable snaps! It’s a pulse-pounding race against time! Why is the cable snapping? Because a plane just hit the North Tower! Yes, somebody thought it was a good idea to make a cheesy, predictable thriller about 9/11. Is anyone involved in this film ALLOWED in NYC anymore?
Charlie IS the human embodiment of EVERY ground zero, so this makes total sense for him. It’s obviously the next logical step in his career before being stunt-cast in FOX sitcoms now and then. But Gina? And Whoopi? Gina, you’ve been in some serious films. I mean – Showgirls! And Face-Off (maybe I should stop there)? And Whoopi? Whoopi, you’re an EGOT winner and one of our elder stateswomen. You probably have made enough bank now to sit at home, having a toke and are hopefully plan Jumping Jack Flash 2. Does someone have pictures of you with a member of the Trump administration? Is that why you okayed that wig? Blackmail?!?!?
Nevermind me, the film already has a solid fanbase and will surely earn a Criterion Collection release. See for yourself! According to The Wrap, here are some tweets by these fans:
“Dead Lord, the Charlie Sheen 9/11 trailer is beyond offensive. It looks like a very poorly made TV movie. Just horrific.”
“I watched a trailer for a movie called ‘9/11’ starring Charlie Sheen and it’s awful and manipulative and makes me mad at everyone involved.”
“This Charlie Sheen 9/11 movie trailer is Extremely Tasteless and Incredibly Unnecessary. I wish that wasn’t a real sentence but yay jokes?”
You can watch the trailer for 9/11 (containing actual footage for that “nauseating reminder” effect) below. Honestly, I thought it was a tasteless joke from some off-brand Funny Or Die site at first. I will bet you a jillion dollars that Charlie and Gina’s characters are an estranged couple considering divorce whose love is rekindled by their terrifying circumstances! It’s good to know that someone utilized the most devastating event in our country’s history to make a cheesy sub-Netflix thriller about a coke-sweating Charlie Sheen hopefully dying in an elevator. Let’s go all the way and make this an Airport for the aughts! Like Sharknado! They can do one a year! 9/11 5: Burning Pentagon will probably star Tori Spelling and someone who won the lead on Snapchat.