Snooty Boston Country Club Finally Admits Tom Brady And Gisele Bundchen

July 17, 2017 / Posted by:

The Boston YMCA can rest easy tonight: Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen’s names will no longer be stinking up the wait-list to use the NordicTrack after work, because the Boston Globe reports their application to join the (*cue Robin Leach voice*) verrrrry exclusive and verrrry Brahmin The Country Club in Chestnut Hill, MA has been accepted.

In 2015, word spread around Boston faster than “the red coats are coming!” that Tom and Gisele’s application was put on hold, and everyone pretty much thought Boston native/QB crybaby’s ex and Sex and the City alum Bridget Moynahan was having some fun (no, they didn’t, but let’s just go with it… But who could blame Natasha?! First, Mr. Big left her, and then her baby daddy?!)

Actually, what really happened was that the Brazilian breadwinner and her freeloading husband live in the neighborhood and wanted to be able to walk over to the place described by the Globe as, “what the Museum of Fine Art is to art and the Boston Symphony Orchestra is to music, The Country Club is to clubs.” Sounds like the Country Club is the most BORING of elementary school field trips. Only, the club was rumored to not want any stinking celebrity attention and, heaven forbid, paparazzi cameras! (Translation: people pay a shit ton of money to come here and get blitzed, and the last time any of our members posed for a photo, it was before they boarded the Mayflower, so GTFO our grass!)

Rumors spread that they wouldn’t accept the couple until Tom’s playing days were over, but he decided to bide his time in his favorite pair of Uggs and abstaining from strawberries until the borings at the club would let him and his wife roll past the gates in their Volvo to drop their kids off at golf camp with firm instructions to only eat macrobiotic hot dogs. That day has come, as a few sneaky members confirmed the Bundchens are now members and are able to use the golf courses, swimming pool, curling rink, skeet range, and other facilities for sports you only think about when you wonder how the fuck that even is allowed in the Olympics.

Tom and Gis aren’t the first people rejected by The Country Club, either. Jewish people weren’t allowed in until the 1970s, women (as full members) not until 1989, and no black people until 1994. Sounds like just the place for Tom to take a secret call from his best friend!


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