Ryan Lochte Has Been Cleared Of All Charges In Brazil

July 15, 2017 / Posted by:

The highlight of the 2016 Summer Olympics was when the USA’s head swim brah Ryan Lochte and his merry band of aqua-douches made an enemy of the Rio De Janeiro police department. To recap, “Jeah“-Man and Co. were involved in pissing on a gas station as well as some vandalism. The cops were involved, and Ryan later filed a fake police report, claiming that the police who apprehended them were hoodlums in disguise who held them at gunpoint! It was all waterlogged lies, and Ryan and the rest of Pi Delta Speedo ended up paying fines and issuing public apologies. Ryan, however, was still charged with “false communication of a crime.”

The good news is, you swim groupies (and Ryan’s Playboy model wife and newborn baby) can chill. Ryan is not going to prison in Rio, where he could probably buy LOADS of cigarettes with all those gold medals. He’s been cleared of all charges. TMZ says an appeals court has thrown out the criminal charge against the big wet doofus, with a judge ruling that Ryan “never set out to create a lie.”

The judges ruled Lochte did not go to cops and report the incident … they came to him after hearing stories in the media. So he never set out to create a lie, and that was the turning point in the case.

Shortly after the incident, Lyin’ Ryan apologized in a slack-jawed kind of way in an interview with condescending human smirk Matt Lauer. Besides paying a fine, his punishment was a ten-month suspension from USA Swimming. In addition to that, banana hammock empire Speedo, 1% brand Ralph Lauren, and something called GentleLase hair removal system dropped him as their spokeswimbo.

It got so bad for Ryan, that he had to go and shake his merman ass on Dancing With The Stars! Well, all is now well in the underwater kingdom of Lochte-Land. Mom and Baby Jeah (Michael K insists that’s what the kid’s name is) won’t have to constantly wire reals to dad so he can avoid being turned into the cellblock’s go-to banana boat. You figure a guy who can hold his breath for that long could be really useful to horny cellmates. *cringe*


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