It’s been a while since the true heyday of Ashton Kutcher, when he was wearing Von Dutch hats and Kabbalah string while boning any side piece who would listen to him talk about Twitter while then-wife Demi Moore was out of town. These days, I just figured he and now-wife Mila Kunis lived off her Jim Beam bucks, showed up on the Bachelorette and occasionally acted in a shitty movie to pay for all those courtside seats. Seriously, the only person to go to more basketball games than those two is mid-90s Madonna, and that was only because she was a warm-up for the Chicago Bulls.
Apparently, Star thinks that old dog is still up to his old horny tricks, because they published a SCANDALOUS series of photos with Kelso boarding a plane with a mysterious brunette who most certainly wasn’t Meg Griffin. Only, it appears Star let its fact checker go, as Ashton tweeted out a defense saying the mystery girl was actually his cousin. And the last time I checked, Ashton isn’t related to Kevin Gates, so he’s probably not fucking his cousin.
You should have heard how upset Mila was that I spent the day with our cousin. Sorry aunt Jodie these magazines lack integrity. pic.twitter.com/tvKdGoqRnx
— ashton kutcher (@aplusk) July 9, 2017
Now, now… why would they ever think he would do such a thing? Maybe the fact that he boned Scott Eastwood’s girlfriend the night of his sixth anniversary with Demi? Or because Sara Leal (Eastwood’s ex and apparently the hub of Hollywood Ho) later claimed Ashton’s peen was working overtime after getting with Mila?! Sara’s argument may have been a little weak based on a friend of hers having a photo of him in pajamas, which obviously meant he was doing her on the side. That being said, Santa’s list is shorter than the list of Kutcher Koncubines, so she was probably right.