Learning that someone never had pie until they were fully into adulthood inspires the same reaction as when someone tells you they’ve never seen a Star Wars movie. They receive an outraged look and a befuddled “really bitch?!?” This comparison might not make sense to you if you’re not a huge dork like me. So, yeah, Nosferatu-esque actress Rooney Mara claims she didn’t have pie until she was a grown-ass woman. I’d arrest the parents.
Rooney is pushing some indie film she made with sketchy beardo Casey Affleck. In it, she plays his grieving (?) widow and eats an entire pie in one scene. So during an interview with the LA Times, she let it spill about her abusive past… her past being abusive, because no one made sure she had a piece of apple pie! Or lemon meringue! Pumpkin! This poor girl! Maybe they don’t have pie on her home planet of Altair-4?
“It was certainly something that popped out at me when I read it, that was one of the things I was really excited to do. So it doesn’t surprise me that it’s something that jumps out of the movie. It was such a unique way of showing grief, we’ve never seen anything like that before. And I’d actually never had pie before, that was my first and last pie.”
Even the director was like “for real though?” when she admitted that! And hold up, did she say “last?” She better space vampire mind meld with some sense!
“I just don’t really have a sweet tooth and I was a really, really strange, picky child. Something about pie always grossed me out and I just never tried it before. And this came along and I tried making them switch it to something else, but David really wanted it to be pie, so we did pie.”
Rooney the Strange is stressing me out with this. SWITCH THE PIE? Pie is one of the few things in this horrific universe that makes life just a skootch more livable. And I’ll say it – PIE IS BETTER THAN CAKE. There’s a warm and flaky crust that mixes with the filling and it’s a delight! I might even be more into pie than Star Wars. Are there fanboy conventions for pie?