That memory you have from yesterday of you deep throating two charbroiled hot dogs as your friend lit a sparkler that was stuck in your asshole in the name of freedom is just a figment of your imagination. That didn’t happen, because Fourth of July didn’t happen. There were no fireworks. There were no BBQs. There was no family party where your auntie got drunk on Svedka and La Vie (aka Aldi’s bootleg La Croix) while dropping it low on the concrete patio to Night Ranger’s (You Can Still Rock) In America. None of that happened yesterday because Fourth of July got canceled since it seems like Taylor Swift didn’t throw her annual Taymerica extravaganza. Every bald eagle is probably drowning in a puddle of their own tears while in the fetal position on the ground somewhere.
For the past three years, Taylor Swift’s Rhode Island beachfront estate became one giant patriotic diarrhea puddle on July 4. Tay Tay’s squad members gathered at the Rhode Island lair of their leader to fulfill the part of their squad contract that states that they must spend their Fourth of July at her house where they must spam their social media followers with pictures of them looking like they’re having OMG SO MUCH FUN! Tom Hiddleston will forever know the Fourth of July as the day he lost all of his dignity, because around this time last year is when he papped with that embarrassing skid mark (I Heart T.S.) on his tank top.
But this year, there was no sign of Taylor, her latest boyfriend or her squad members. Don’t me wrong, though. That doesn’t mean that Taylor’s mansion didn’t host a party. It hosted an even hotter party. A party that I’d actually want to go to. The paps got pictures of a group of oldies (including Taylor’s parents, probably) sitting around and most likely talking about riveting stuff like the difference in side effects between Trulance and Amitiza. Now THIS is a party:
So Taylor not going all out on Fourth of July is probably part of her transformation into ~oh-so-private~ Tay Tay. That’s great for everyone who is sick of seeing her, but it’s bad and sad news for America. America has already been through so much, and then yesterday its heart really broke from the true creator of Fourth of July not publicly wishing it a happy birthday. Yesterday America was a 5-year-old me, sitting by the window all day waiting for its dad (Taylor) to show up and take it to McDonald’s for its birthday. I hope Taylor at least does what my dad did: send America a recycled birthday card with a wrinkled, busted and ugly $5 bill in it.
And here’s two of Taylor’s (ex?) squad members, Karlie Kloss and Cara Delawhatever, spending their Fourth in Paris with one of Tay Tay’s arch rivals Kendull Jenner! This is probably the most interesting thing that Karlie Kloss has ever done.