Come gather ‘round children, as we throw our diamonds in the sky and do the scissor leg for the midnight release of Jay-Z’s newest addition to his musical family since 2013’s 4:44. I remember anticipating this new release, thinking to myself “YES! New music from Jay-Z!” and getting all excited, until I was informed that he was only releasing it exclusively on Tidal, and I ain’t too proud to say I’m not paying for that shit! I may have to reconsider though, since 4:44 is his answer to wife Beyonce’s 2016 all tea flavored Lemonade. Perhaps he should have named this release That D’Usse Is The Shit!, instead.
Matt “Megatoad” Stonie, the human food disposal who celebrated USA! USA! Day early by stretching his stomach bag out with the food of the gods’ gods: In-N-Out!
Matt Stonie, which is just an oh-so-perfect name for a professional eater, is the #2 competitive eater in the world and in 2015, he beat the Emperor of Wiener Gobbling, Joey Chestnut, and won our nation’s proudest title, the winner of Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest. Years ago, Megatoad Stonie beat another record when he made his internal organs scream, “Ayúdame!”, by eating a 37×37 (37 patties and 37 slices of cheese) from In-N-Out. The pride of San Jose went back to In-N-Out to tackle the 4x4x4 challenge.
The 4×4 is on In-N-Out’s Secret Menu and it’s 4 patties, 4 things of cheese and all the fixins’. I’ve heard that it also comes with 4 defibrillator pads (2 to jumpstart your heart when it quits that bitch and 2 to jumpstart your stomach when it quits that bitch at the same time). Megatoad got 4 of them, sat down and then filled his body with more hot meat and cheese than a champion power bottom getting a train ran on him by a bunch of uncut tops who don’t wash their down-low parts too good. He did it in just under three minutes and also swallowed down a soda. This is why the bald eagle cries one tear of pride today. What an American hero, Matt Stonie is.
And if my co-pay wasn’t so high, I’d spend my Fourth of July deep throating several 4x4s while butt chugging a vodka cranberry. It’s what our forefathers would’ve wanted.
Nicole Franzel (25)
Allegra Versace (31)
Michael Phelps (32)
Patrick Wolf (34)
Willam Belli (35)
Lizzy Caplan (35)
Rick Gonzalez (38)
Monica Potter (46)
Phil Anselmo (49)
Peter Outerbridge (51)
Mike Tyson (51)
Murray Cook (57)
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Leonard Whiting (67)
Nancy Dussault (81)
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Big Ang (1960-2016)
It only took decades, but the Academy finally asked the Queen of Everything Betty White to become a member. I hope Betty White shit on their invitation, literally, and sent it back. They don’t deserve her! – Lainey Gossip
Maitland Ward is giving you zero budget amateur porn – Drunken Stepfather
Please don’t tell me break-up vacations with your ex are going to become a thing… – Celebitchy
A Rothschild got hit and dragged by the Ramonacoaster – Reality Tea
Bad Moms got a Christmas-themed sequel and I’d be into it if it starred Kathryn Hahn and Kathryn Hahn alone – Pajiba
Gigi Hadid’s Pinky Tuscadero knock-off suit is giving her a case of crooked crotch – Popoholic
Since Trump probably makes his staff call him “God,” she’s most likely talking about him as being the one true role model – Towleroad
Oh, it’s just a crab-ridden, low tide-smelling hobo pissing into the water – (NSFW) OMG Blog
Katrina Bowden’s nalgitas: here they are – Hollywood Tuna
Nothing can keep a true artist like Corey Feldman down, not even a microphone punch to the mouth – SOW
Corrine Olympios‘ “team” has finished investigating whatever happened on Bachelor in Paradise and she released a statement where she blamed the media – Just Jared
This video of the 5 times soap operas went sci-fi insane reminds that TV died the day Passions went off the air – Syfy
Leighton Meester and Adam Brody are kinky – Popsugar
TMZ says that the police in Palm Beach Gardens, FL are pointing fingers at Venus Williams, tennis star and soon-to-be aunt to a tennis-playing Reddit baby, for causing a car crash that sent a 78-year-old man to the ICU where he later died. The crash is still under investigation and so far Venus hasn’t been charged with anything and she hasn’t been issued any kind of traffic violations.
If Pimp Mama Kris strikes sex tape gold
en showers again, this won’t be the first time I write “Kendall,” “Kylie” and “Piss” in a headline.
Whoever is in charge of the clothing crap that Kendall and Kylie Jenner push on their website thought it would be a really good idea to peddle t-shirts with their faces and initials on top of pictures of music icons without getting permission. There’s at least 200 members in PMK’s koven and so you’d think she’d make one of them take a crash course in the law so that dumb shit like this doesn’t happen. PMK should send Sushi Kardashian West to a law class. Sushi seems the smartest of that bunch.