Last month, every greeting card store in the world gathered up their supply of cards about love and began shredding them all. Because after hearing that the true love union between 19-year-old Bella Thorne and 34-year-old Scott Disick didn’t last, they couldn’t continue to push something that doesn’t exist. A quick second after Bella and Scott began bumping genitals, they went off to Cannes together. But HorSick was over as quick as they began and Bella ditched Scott in Cannes and flew back home. Sources (read: my imagination) tell me that when Bella tried to get back into the States, customs officials immediately shuffled her off to a CDC quarantine tent where she spent several days soaking in a hot ammonia and antibiotics bath. Once she was given the clear, Bella talked to Complex about the love of our time that never was.
Bella’s home life sounds like a never-ending episode of American Horror Story to me. Bella lives in a rave-themed house with her sister Dani Thorne, Dani’s boyfriend, one dog and seven cats. Pussies are already hypnotized by lights, so I can’t even imagine how hypnotized a pussy would get over a glow stick after it ate an ecstasy pill that fell on the floor of Bella’s rave-themed house. And that dog must be wondering what kind of heinous crime it did in a past life to be trapped in that hell prison. But moving on…
Bella throws lots of parties at her rave-themed house and famous tricks regularly slide into her DMs to ask for an invite. They want to go Bella’s parties, because duh, they want to party with THEE Bella Thorne, and also drugs. Lots of drugs. Scott Disick showed up to one of her parties with French Montana. That’s how the makers of Valtrex’s dream couple came to be.
Sources preciously said that Bella left Scott in Cannes because she just couldn’t take his level of boozing. She confirmed that with Complex. Bella loves to party, but her idea of partying is totally different than Scott’s, bruh.
“Scott is really nice, sweet, charming. I don’t drink, and he really drinks a lot. And it just ended up …I just wasn’t down. I was like, ‘I gotta leave.’ We were [at Cannes] a day and a half before I was like I’m booking my flight and leaving. I love to go out and have fun, I love to fucking dance, but I just don’t party hardcore like that and it was way too much for me. I was like, ‘Woah, this is not the way I live my life, bruh.’”
But for the four seconds Bella was in Cannes, she did manage to keep her title as the world’s second biggest ginger fame whore by getting in a paparazzi photo-op with Scott. The Daily Mail posted pictures of Scott looking like he was grabbing Bella’s tit. Bella says that he was just trying to cover up her nipple.
“Honestly, my nipple came out of my bikini and he tried to fix it for me and it looks like he’s grabbing my boob. That’s very nice of you to actually not sit there and stare at my nipple because my boobs are big—they come out of my shirt all the time! You can’t keep those suckers down.”
You know in A League of Their Own when Madge is like, “What if at a key moment in the game my, my uniform bursts open and, uh, oops, my bosoms come flying out?” Who knew that Bella Thorne is the lot lizard version of that character? The paps recently took pictures of Bella coming out of a club with her pierced nips exposed to the paps. After reading what she said, I’m guessing that what happened was that her gigantic Tupperware titties busted her bra open, exposing her nips. Makes sense.
Bella may be the only person in Hollywood who doesn’t know about Scott’s extreme boozing ways. That disappoints me. If you want to be one of the biggest fame whores in the game, shouldn’t you know everything about your fellow fame whores? Study for the job you want, Bella!