In 2015, it was announced that Hollywood, the Land of No Original Ideas, reached into a bag of past movies to butcher and pulled out Flatliners. It was announced that a remake of Flatliners starring Ellen Page was in the works. Info about more casting has been dropped along the way, but I mostly forgot it was happening until today when the trailer came out.
The plot is pretty much the same as the 1990 Flatliners. A bunch of students take turns stopping and restarting each other’s hearts and their experiment ends up going terribly wrong! The students in this one are played by Ellen (hey, a check is a check), Diego Luna (again, a check is a check), Nina Dobrev, Kiersey Clemons and hot British ginger James Norton. The model with a flatline for a personality Charlotte McKinney did a cameo as a nurse who fucks James Norton. Beatrice Straight from Network currently holds the record for giving the shortest performance (five minutes and two seconds) to ever win an Oscar. I’m guessing that Charlotte McKinney is going to smash that record when her right tit wins Best Supporting Actress and her left tit wins Best Supporting Actor for their performance in Flatliners.
As everyone should know, Kiefer Sutherland, Julia Roberts, Kevin Bacon, Oliver Platt and William Baldwin were in the original Flatliners. Kiefer said last year that he’s playing his original character in the 2017 Flatliners, so this mess is a sequel and not a reboot. What I got from the trailer for Flatterliners is that it needs more of that creepy bullied child Billy Mahoney from the original. I also learned that stopping and starting your heart must jack up your hair game, because nearly everyone’s mane looks a wreck in this.
That looks like a TV movie from the 90s, but I don’t care about the original Flatliners enough to rage about this. Although, I should probably rage anyway as practice for when Hollywood announces other reboots of old Julia Roberts movies I care about, like Pretty Woman starring Jennifer Lawrence, or Dying Young starring Emma Stone, or worse Sleeping with the Enemy starring Emma Watson. Why am I even putting that out there?