If Taylor Swift and Katy Perry were both running for freshmen class president (no offense to freshmen class president candidates), this would be the part where Taylor and her squad smugly hand out “Vote 4 Tay Tay” cards attached to full-size Snickers as Katy hands out “Vote 4 Katy” cards attached to mini Snickers.
Today was supposed to be Katy Perry’s big day. After weeks of releasing a million new songs (okay three) and going on about character assassin Taylor Swift to sell her new album, Katy Perry’s Witness is finally out. But being the snake emoji in the grass she is, Taylor has been lying in the darkness, waiting to strike at a trick, and she did it last night without saying a word. Just a few hours before Witness came out, the Mattel brand Medusa sat before her baby pink iMac and clicked the “RELEASE THE CATALOG” button while saying, “Swish swish this, bish.” Taylor released all of her songs to all streaming services.
In 2014, Taylor’s team pulled her music off of Spotify, because she was done with them not fairly paying artists. She even wrote a long Wall Street Journal op-ed piece about it. Taylor then signed a deal with Apple Music, giving them the exclusive rights to stream her music. That deal is done, and now Taylor’s entire catalog of ex-boyfriend diss tracks is available on Spotify, Tidal, Pandora Premium, Amazon and more. Taylor’s official Instagram fan account made the announcement with the picture above. Taylor’s side made it sound like the move was to celebrate 1989 selling 10 million copies worldwide, but we all know it was to celebrate taking that backup dancer-stealing diabolical demon Katy Perry down!
In celebration of 1989 selling over 10 Million Albums Worldwide and the RIAA’s 100 Million Song Certification announcement, Taylor wants to thank her fans by making her entire back catalog available to all streaming services tonight at midnight.
To really kick a trick, Taylor’s music is discounted on Apple Music.
At the time of me posting this shit, Witness is currently #1 on iTunes Top Albums and 1989 is #66. But Taylor didn’t pull this stunt to try to show that her old stuff can outsell Katy’s new stuff (okay, she probably did, partly). She did it so she could rule the headlines on Witness Day! And it worked. The people around Taylor today are probably overdosing on the smugness wafting off of her as she reads texts from her squad members, praising their leader for a shifty move well done.
And I can’t wait to read Taylor’s Wall Street Journal op-ed piece on why she decided to kiss and make up with streaming services. If she kept it real, it should be fairly easy for her to write it since it’d be made up of 11 simple words:
TO GET BACK AT KUNTY PERRA FOR ONCE AND FOR ALL!
As for how Katy is dealing with Taylor’s move, you can see for yourself since she’s streaming her life 24/7 Big Brother-style for the next 72 hours. If at one point, the camera doesn’t capture Katy getting off of the toilet to reveal 1989 floating among her turds in the water, she doesn’t deserve to win this dumb drawn-out feud.