The 16 annual CMT Music Awards (which I’m pretty sure was also the 16th country music awards show to happen this month alone) were last night in Nashville, and no country music awards show is complete with Our Lord of Tang Tanner and Our Lady of SPF 6000 working the carpet. Keith Urban and Nicole Kidman once again showed us that a couple that middle parts their hair (and wears a wreck of an outfit) together, stays together!
Nicole Kidman dressed like a bordello madam who had a goth funeral and a Dynasty-themed séance to go to the same night, so she wore a dress that could easily take her from event to event. Nicole’s dress defied simple mathematics, because I always thought that the answer to “shoulder pads + black lace + black satin” was: pure glamour! But that dress is just a giant WTF. And as for frosty locks…
You know how you used to flip through an International Male catalog and wonder who the fuck was buying that shit? The answer is: 2017 Keith Urban. If the Ed Hardy people designed a collection for International Male, the ensemble that Keith Urban wore last night would be one of its least best sellers. Keith looked like how a Nickelback song sounds. Speaking of, Keith looked like a freelance Nickelback roadie who sticks around after shows to pick up leftover groupies to take back to the van he drives to each show.
And yes, I still would. Well, the International Male catalog was my fap material of choice back in the day.