A Jessica Simpson interview is usually awkward wrapped in messy and doused with cringe-fuel, but shit really got awkward on yesterday’s episode of Ellen. Jessica went on Ellen to promote her billion dollar fashion (and whatever she puts her name on) empire, but it seemed more like a PSA for what happens to your brain when mix you wine, pills, nervousness and trying to be funny.
Jessica started off the interview with an awkward bang by announcing that for once, she’s not pregnant on Ellen DeGeneres’ show, and she’s got a jizz fish detourer (aka an IUD) up in there. Ellen brought up the mermaid-themed birthday party that Jessica recently threw for her 5-year-old daughter. That led to Messica talking about how she had rented mermaids at her daughter’s party and the mermaids needed to be carried to the bathroom by “manhandlers” since they couldn’t pee on her children in the pool. I don’t know why Jessica said that, but the rented mermaid industry is probably glad she did, because now R. Kelly will never apply for a rented mermaid job.
Ellen then asked Jessica how long she’s been with her current husband. Jessica dribbled out, “7 years,” before saying, “I don’t know if I’ve ever had a 7 year relationship, other than with a woman, no, not that, you know!” Ellen gave a look that screamed “HELP. ME” and it seemed like she was one millisecond away from dropping the America’s Sweetheart act to grab Jessica and say, “The fuck kind of meds are you on?”
Jessica’s brain went on to burp up a little anecdote about how her husband massages her in his sleep. This wreck is like Paula Abdul vibes with drops of Anna Nicole Smith and humble Mariah Carey.
Jessica sort of reminds me of me when I’m mega stoned and trying to make small talk with a sober stranger. So because of that, I kept waiting for Jessica to completely ignore Ellen after finding an old chocolate mint in her pocket.