When Celine Dion knocked hos over with her angelic voice while dressed like Alexis Carrington going to her rival’s wedding, the other Billboard Music Awards performers not named Cher should’ve started packing up their shit. And when Cher took the stage, they should’ve picked up their shit and headed toward the nearest exit, because their services were no longer needed. Being a Billboard Music Awards performer who wasn’t Cher or Celine was like being the raw vegetable platter at a Super Bowl party. Everybody only touched the vegetables because they were waiting until the real stars of the night, the pizza dip and pigs in a blanket, were brought out.
Cher was given the ICON Award at last night’s BBMAs, and before she accepted it, she performed two of her greatest hits, the auto-tune classic Believe and If I Could Turn Back Time, while struttin’ her 71-year-old nalgitas across the stage. Cher is 71 years old and worked that stage in heels while balancing approximately 95 pounds of polyester hair on her head and sanging. That is impressive, but what isn’t really impressive is what Cher bragged about during her acceptance speech. Cher told everyone that she’s 71 and can still do a 5-minute plank. Big deal, I’m pretty sure that when I’m 71, I’ll still be able to do a 5-minute plank. Sure, the only time I’ll do it is when a naked 20-something hustler is on top of me, but still.
Here’s Cher’s full performance and speech. Gwen Stefani introduced her and I’m not sure why. Don’t say it’s because they share a plastic surgeon. Cher is all-natural. She doesn’t have any wrinkles because her face is always pulled into a wig cap.
And if you want to feel your gay genes tingle until they explode, watch the clouds of glamour on Celine’s shoulders bounce up and down as she dances to Cher.
— billboard (@billboard) May 22, 2017