Giada de Laurentiis did a 6-minute cooking segment on Ellen with Ellen DeGeneres and Nicole Kidman, and it was a mess filled with ball jokes, anus jokes and Nicole spitting out Giada’s focaccia into her porcelain Grinch hand. Yes, Nicole spit. Somewhere John Mayer is making a “Giada would never” joke.
Giada was on to promote the new season of Food Network Star and also to make nerves curl with the way she over-over-enunciates Italian words like she’s Rosetta Stone teaching Italian to dum-dums. Ellen and Nicole were Giada’s helpers and they made fried risotto balls and clementine and fennel focaccia. Clementine, fennel and pizza bread together sounds like a threesome from barf-inducing HELL to me. Cooking segments are always a mess, but this one was really a mess and they all played their role perfectly. Giada was the nitpicky, shrieky and obnoxious teacher. Ellen was the joker SCANDALIZING THEM ALL with her PG-13 jokes about balls and anuses. And Nicole was the shady queen who threw side-eyes and let Giada know that she’d rather tongue kiss Tom Cruise again for show than swallow that focacca.
Maybe Nicole spit out that focaccia because she’s a skinny Hollywood actress and she knows that if evil studio executives see her eating actual carbs, she’ll be passed up for roles for being a PFF (Possible Future Fatty)! But maybe Nicole spit that food out because she knows that even Giada doesn’t eat Giada’s food. So Giada can’t get mad. Nicole learned it by watching you, Giada!