Since I’m a bit of a Theater Duchess (not yet a Theater Princess or Theater Queen), I’ve known that along with belting out musical notes in ALL-CAPS, giving her unfiltered thoughts on things is something Patti LuPone is not afraid to do. Patti was on Watch What Happens Live last night, and leave it to beef sautéer extraordinaire Andy Cohen to get her to go off on everything from Madonna’s “acting” to live TV musicals to Abby Lee Miller. A couple of the things that Patti said last night have been said before by her, but she finally got to say them on national television. Praise that shifty Andy Cohen for bringing out a true gift for us devotees to petty drama.
Patti’s mouth birthed out several flawless diamonds of sparkling hate last night, but the one that’s getting the most attention is the one about Madge. Patti played Eva Peron in the original Broadway cast of Evita and of course Madge did the movie version. So a caller asked Patti if she and Madge ever talked about their performances. Patti said that the only thing Madge has ever said to her is, “Ah’m taller than you.” Andy then asked Patti for her thoughts on Madge’s performance in Evita. Patti should’ve started out by saying, “Cry for her, Argentina, because I’m about to drag the bitch!” Andy and the show’s other guest, Christopher Meloni, should’ve stripped down to their chonies and slathered tanning oil onto their bodies before lying down. Because they would’ve gotten a pretty good tan from the fire shooting out of Patti’s mouth about Madge’s acting.
La Patti said that she saw Madge do “Buenos Aires” from Evita and it was a piece of shit. She also called Madge a dead-eyed movie killer who couldn’t act her way out of a paper bag. As Patti went in on Madge, I’m sure that an assistant face palmed, because they knew that they’d have to sop up the puddle of giddiness that Andy left on his seat from thinking about the attention this diva moment would bring.
Madge’s acting isn’t the only thing that Patti expressed her hate for last night. Patti was Fantine in the original Broadway cast of Les Miserables, so Andy asked her what she thought of the movie. Patti says that she never saw all of it, but in her opinion, the only one who really knows the right way to shoot a musical for the screen is Rachel Bloom and the other makers of My Crazy Ex-Girlfriend. So yeah, she pretty much hated the parts of the Les Miserables movie she saw and she can’t with those NBC live musicals.
A caller also asked Patti about the Sunset Boulevard drama of the early-90s. Patti played Norma Desmond in the original production in London and she was supposed to star in it on Broadway. But Andrew Lloyd Webber replaced her ass on Broadway with Glenn Close, who did the L.A. production. Patti ended up suing ALW and they eventually settled. Patti was a little mad at Glenn for a bit but they hugged it out eventually. via Entertainment Online
“I did see Glenn after all that controversy and there was a great deal of controversy and a great deal of silence on Glenn’s part. I did see her at the Kennedy Center Awards because we were honoring the great Barbara Cook. As luck would have it, I sat at Barbara’s table with everybody else that was performing for Barbara and there was an empty seat right next to me. [Glenn] said, ‘I had nothing to do with it’ and we hugged. And it’s that easy, that you can get rid of years of that anxiety.”
Patti also delivered her very own version of “I don’t know her” when she was asked if the supposed Broadway legend rivalry between her and Bernadette Peters is real or a fan fantasy. Patti blurted out that it’s a fan fantasy before saying, “I don’t know the lady!”
And finally, Andy talked about Abby Lee Miller getting sent to prison for bankruptcy fraud. Auntie Patti thinks that Abby should be a permanent resident of Cell Block C!
“She should go to jail for life. Didn’t you find her obnoxious? I found her like, oh I just hated her. She’s, like, the worst dance teacher you ever had when you were a kid. And you just wanted to kill her for hurting kids.”
But back to Patti saying in so many words that Madge should be on the FBI’s Most Wanted List for being a serial movie killer. Madge has been called out before for texting during Hamilton. Patti has made it perfectly clear that theater texters are demons from Hell. Patti is also currently on Broadway in War Paint. So if Madge wants to get revenge on Patti, she should get a front row seat to War Paint and during one of Patti’s big numbers, she should pull out an iPhone 7 Plus (with its brightness set to: THE SUN) and text away. As soon as Madge started texting, a boxing bell would go “DING DING DING!” and everyone would run for cover!