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May 8, 2017 / Posted by:

The show piece of every backyard and garden: the toilet planter!

I’ve mentioned the toilet planter before, but today is finally the day that I give it the highly-esteemed honor it truly, truly deserves. If you’ve strolled through what’s considered one of the most beautiful gardens in the world, like Claude Monet’s Garden or the Brooklyn Botanical Garden or whatever, then I’m sure you’ve said to yourself, “Eh, why do people think this shit is so beautiful when it doesn’t have one toilet planter in it?”  The toilet planter is exactly what it looks like. Whenever your toilet finally gets sick of eating your shit, piss and barfs and stops working, you can put it in the backyard and turn it into a glorious planter of sculptural elegance.

Ever since I was a kid, my mom had at least one toilet planter in the backyard and for the longest time, I thought that she was the brilliant mind who came up with that stunning work of backyard art. She was a million times better than Martha Stewart in my eyes for the longest time because of the toilet planter. But when I went to friends’ houses and discovered that they had a toilet planter in their backyard too, I learned the truth: my mom didn’t invent the gorgeous toilet planter and it’s been a statement piece in fine gardens and yards for decades upon decades! I guess what’s one mom’s shit-collecting trash is the same mom’s flower-growing treasure.

My mom actually got rid of her last toilet planter a few years ago and ever since then, her backyard just hasn’t been the same. It’s missing that shiny touch of class in the form of an old, cracked toilet that looks like Mother Nature spread her ass cheeks over and violently shat out a stream of soil and flowers into. Not only is her backyard not as classy as it was before, but now poor Mother Nature has to shit on the flower beds instead.

Pic: Pinterest

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