That Dramatic Emergency Meeting At Buckingham Palace Turned Out To Be About Prince Philip’s Retirement From Doing Public Stuff
If you’re like me, then you were probably cursing Twitter every time you got up in the middle of the night to look at your phone to see if Prince Philip died, or if one of THE QUEEN’s Corgis betrayed her by enlisting in Morrissey’s anti-royal brigade, or if Prince Hot Ginge dumped Meghan Markle and declared that he can no longer fight the fact that he’s a ginger gay whose type is skinny fat American dude bloggers with shit for brains.
The Daily Mail was the first to plant the seeds that caused Twitter to instantly grow a field of wild speculation. Before I went to bed last night, they reported that THE QUEEN had summoned her entire household from across the land to a mysterious emergency meeting at Buckingham Palace. Now, I love a good dramatic emergency meeting. It’s very Illuminati-esque. But not one that starts in the morning (London time)! Twitter burped up all kinds of speculation from the French media saying that Prince Philip had died to THE QUEEN announcing that she’s giving up the throne to Prince Hot Ginge announcing his engagement to an ex-blogger/basic cable TV star. Many said that the BBC would make an announcement about the emergency meeting at 8am London time. Apparently, it’s protocol for the BBC to make announcements about royal deaths at 8am. I tried to stay up for the earth-shattering news, but my eyelids wouldn’t let me. Finally at around 2 in the morning (PST), I checked my phone and learned that the big dramatic announcement was 95-year-old Prince Philip deciding that he’s too old to cut ribbons at events. Prince Philip is retiring from doing public events. That was the announcement. Damn that sneaky old coot for fucking with my sleep like that. He’s good.
Before the announcement of Prince Philip’s retirement was made, more messiness ensued. The Sun published a story about Prince Philip’s death, but pulled it down after reporters said that the announcement had nothing to do with the health of THE QUEEN or her man. All that crazed speculation was finally shushed with the Royal Family’s announcement that after 65 years of being a professional royal, Prince Philip is done with waving and shaking hands at events.
— The Royal Family (@RoyalFamily) May 4, 2017
PP (not to be confused with our beloved PP, Phoebe Price) has done over 22,000 solo events throughout the decades. He’ll do his last official engagement in August. After the announcement was made, Royal PP did an event where he joked (I think) that he’s standing down because he can’t stand up much longer. Oh that PP!
— BBC News (UK) (@BBCNews) May 4, 2017
So come August, Prince Philip’s long-reign as the ole’ messy royal who says offensive shit and accidentally flashes his crotch scepter and in a kilt will come to an end. Here’s hoping that Prince Hot Ginge picks up where Prince Philip left off and accidentally flashes his crotch scepter in a kilt. It’s the least the royal family can do for all of us who lost precious amounts of sleep while anxiously wondering if THE QUEEN’s favorite pocket book went missing and she brought in every member of her staff to grill them one by one about its whereabout. That really was my first thought after hearing about that dramatic emergency meeting.