Earlier this year, Alanis Morissette’s former business manager Jonathan Schwartz admitted to stealing millions of her hard earned dollars. Yes, hard earned; I don’t know if I would be brave enough to sell a song implying I blew Joey Gladstone in the back of an AMC.
Jonathan Schwartz claimed to have taken more than $4.7 million in cash transfers from Alanis between the years of 2010 and 2014. He also admitted to taking $8 million from investment accounts to pay for expenses. Jonathan took a plea deal and the only thing left was for a judge to sentence him. The Associated Press says that yesterday, Jonathan Schwartz was sentenced to six years in federal prison for embezzling more than $7 million from Alanis and $2 million from other clients. He had originally asked for one year in the big house, while Alanis’ lawyers asked for five. The judge, who is clearly not a fan of celebrity bank account theft, slapped Schwartz with six years for the “sheer audaciousness of this conduct.”
Alanis spoke in court about getting ripped off by Schwartz, saying he didn’t just steal her money, but also her dreams. She added that if her new money manager hadn’t caught the mistakes he made, she could have been bankrupt in three years.
Alanis also claims Schwartz lived a “lavish and luxurious lifestyle” that fooled herself and his clients. As we know now, Jonathan’s lavish lifestyle was secretly financed by his own clients. He has a sadder explanation for why he took the money. He claims he had a gambling addition and drug problem that was triggered by the stress of his job. The judge didn’t shed too many tears over his gambling addiction angle, and she ordered him to pay $8.6 million in restitution.
This is totally one of those “Stars, They’re Nothing Like Us” situations. Alanis wouldn’t know something was up with her suddenly-wealthy money guy because she’s used to being around rich people. A regular person like me would be a little more suspicious. If all of a sudden my “money manager” (aka the ATM closest to my house) started living that luxe life (aka the dog urine was hosed off and the boogers wiped from the pin pad), I’d immediately move my money to a box under my mattress. You’re not getting fancy on my dime!