As if Madonna needed to physically show us how thirsty she is. We know, girl!
Every year, Madonna descends upon the Met Gala with more excitement than a clown who just snorted a line of crushed espresso beans. Last night was no different. Madonna showed up in Duck Dy-Nasty camo couture, swigging something from a canteen. Who cares what the theme was; Madonna wanted to do drunk Bass Pro Shops beauty pageant queen, and so that’s what Madonna is gonna do.
Of course, Madonna did disappoint a teeny tiny bit. I’m of course talking about the fact that her ass – arguably the Met Gala’s most frequent guest – was nowhere to be seen last night. Given the theme of her ensemble, she could have taken it further by letting her ass cheeks flop around behind her like two plucked mallards. Madonna’s look was done by Jeremy Scott for Moschino, so I blame him for that.
Getting drunk on the way inside isn’t a very smart thing to do, especially if you’re wrapped in tight camo satin and dragging a stole made of hunting mesh. Luckily, designer Thom Browne put Solange in a bed roll, which would come in real handy if Madonna or any one else got the spins and needed a soft place to lie down.
While Solange was looking extremely comfortable, there was Blake Lively. She showed up in some kind of metallic feathered showgirl thing from Atelier Versace, which is giving me phantom pains in my ass cheeks from thinking about sitting on all those tiny chains. Her dress also makes me sympathize with the feather duster from Beauty and the Beast. If the feather duster had a sister who managed a Vera Bradley store and won’t shut up about how much prettier she’d look if she wore some color, Blake would be it.
And then you’ve got Cara Delevingne, who no doubt made everyone she came in contact with ask: “Okay, but did she have dumps like a truck?”
Here’s more from last night. No, Madonna didn’t show up in two different outfits; that’s just Courtney Love looking a lot like Madonna.