The Fyre Festival has come to full embody the phrase “unmitigated disaster.” Much like we asked ourselves after the Bowling Green Massacre, where were YOU when the Fyre burned out? Hopefully, relief efforts (volunteers bringing emergency Axe body spray, gluten-free muffins, and civil litigation attorneys) are on the way.
The schadenfreude enthusiasts among us are still snickering at the thought of rich people who paid $250,000 a ticket and forced to eat the lunch that you normally pack the day before payday. But who is responsible for stranding all of those people on an island with only mattresses to sleep on and little to no Blink-182? Well, it sounds like Ja Rule is, but Bella Hadid (pictured above apparently geared up for “Operation: Rescue The Entitled“) had a shapely, manicured hand in it as well. The most vacant-eyed supermodel in the game appeared in the festival’s advertising video and now she’s sorry her siren body led the idle rich to discomfort and off-brand bottled water.
Bella issued an apology on her Twitter for taking part in the marketing for the festival, which also featured Kendall Jenner, Hailey Baldwin, and Emily Rat-A-Tat-Tat Speakerbox Blast (or whatever her name is). In addition to the commercial, Bella and Co. also plugged the event on social media. She’s really sorry, while also denying she had anything to do with it. You know, she’s “celebrity sorry.”
“Hey guys, I just wanted to address Fyre Festival…Even though this was not my project what so ever, nor was I informed about the production or process of the festival in any shape or form, I do know that it has always been out of great intent and they truly wanted all of us to have the time of our lives. I initially trusted this would be an amazing & memorable experience for all of us, which is why I agreed to do one promotion…not knowing about the disaster that was to come…I feel so sorry and badly because this is something I couldn’t stand by, although of course if I would have known about the outcome, you would have all known too.”
Yes, I’m sure she would have absolutely issued a panicked bikini Snapchat warning festival-goers from going beforehand, but didn’t because that would have resulted in organizers suing her and trying to get back the huge amount of $$$ they paid her. Bella Hadid: Disaster Avertress!
In closing, she hopes everyone got out alive and really, please don’t sue her because you had to use a Port-A-Potty for the first time in your life.
“I hope everyone is safe and back with their families and loved ones…xo,” wrapping her statement with a blue butterfly and blue heart emoji.
Those heartfelt blue emojis will surely be a comfort to the shallow people who ended up trapped in what was basically Lord of the Flies for douches. They were burning their tankinis to stay warm!