You really have to hand it to Jennifer Lopez, and no, by “it,” I’m not talking about a robe so her ass can cover up. I’m talking about the uncomfortable and dangerous lengths she goes to while trying to show us that she’s 47 years old and her body’s hot, dammit. That bedazzled art deco volleyball net that she tried to pass off as a dress looks so damn tight that I bet after her minions cut her out of it, its pattern was embedded deep into her skin. Not to mention that JLo’s coochie was probably cringing and bracing itself because one false move and one of those sparkly black licorice strips would poke it (see: the crotch closeup in the gallery below). That shit looks like it hurts, but I’m always impressed at how JLo delivers massive amounts of demureness at any cost!
At last night’s Billboard Latin Music Awards in Miami, JLo showed up looking like a really glamorous set of tires ran over her a bunch of times. Yes, that dress looks like something a Kartrashian wore two years ago and it screams, “Hook me up to an IV drip full of fluids since I’m six kinds of thirsty,” but I’m still into it since looking like a sexy crochet craft project IS the look.
And from now on, we shouldn’t cut up plastic six pack rings and throw them in the trash. We should them to JLo instead. She’ll bedazzle them, glue them onto her body and wear that shit to an awards show. See, JLo’s thirstiness can save the lives of sea creatures!