Sometimes a shady queen has so many rivalries to deal with that it takes her a while to blast ’em. It took five years, but Aretha Franklin finally got around to letting the world know that her one (of many) longtime arch rivals Dionne Warwick spit out slanderous lies about her at Whitney Houston’s funeral in 2012. And Queen Aretha slapped at Cousin Dionne in a statement to the AP that she sent via fax machine! An e-mail takes about 1 millisecond to send. As does a text. So you know that you’re really mad at a trick when you go through the trouble of using a fax machine to slam them. And yes, I believe that Queen Aretha sent that fax herself, because she wanted to say, “Take that, bitch!“, when the word “sent” popped up on the machine’s screen.
The AP says that they spoke to Aretha on the phone today after she sent them a long fax yesterday. The hate for Dionne that’s been brewing inside Aretha for five years is over something that was said at Whitney’s funeral. Dionne introduced Aretha to the funeral-goers but then realized that she wasn’t there. Dionne then said something that sent rage flowing through Aretha’s veins:
“‘Ree’s not here, but she is here. She loves Whitney as if she were born to her. She is her godmother.”
Aretha is mad because Dionne said she was Whitney’s godmother, which isn’t true. Even Cissy Houston said that Darlene Love was Whitney’s godmother, not Aretha. The answer to the question, “Why would something like that piss Aretha Franklin off?”, can be answered with five simples words: Ree Lives For The Pettiness.
Queen Aretha told the AP that she waited until now to say something because back then, there was too much drama going on. I’m picturing Aretha lounging in her La-Z-Boy while thinking about how she hasn’t dragged a nemesis in a while. So she pulled out her notebook of revenge, ran down the long list of wrongdoings against her and thought, “Why not? I’ll fuck with DiYAWN today.”
“She blatantly lied on me … fully well knowing what she was doing.
There’s been so much going on around her (Houston), around the service, around the drugs, around her and Bobby (Brown) supposed to be fighting, I didn’t want to add anything to that and I didn’t want to be a part of that.”
At the Tribeca Film Festival premiere of the Clive Davis documentary last week, Aretha ran into Dionne and this Joan Crawford and Bette Davis-approved scene played out:
“She said, ‘Give me a hug.’ I said, ‘Oh hell no. You couldn’t be serious.'”
Cousin Dionne would probably rather pay her taxes than apologize to Queen Aretha for something so dumb, but even if she did apologize, Aretha wouldn’t accept it!
“I don’t care about her apology, at this point it isn’t about an apology, it’s about libel. We’ve never been friends and I don’t think that Dionne has ever liked me.”
The AP asked Dionne’s rep for a response and he said this: “She will not dignify a response to the statement made by Aretha Franklin.”
Choosing to be on Team Aretha or Team Dionne is impossible. On one hand, Queen Aretha’s main hobby is taking her pettiness to brand new levels of silly AND she used a fax machine to slap at a rival. On the other hand, Dionne Warwick gave us, “I’ve got your number, hussy,” and for that I’ll forever be grateful. How about I hold both of their purses as they shank each other with their eyes? Although, Aretha doesn’t need me to do that.
And I’m sure Dionne’s rep was lying. I bet she’s working on a scathing response right now and she will fax it as soon as FedEx Office opens in the morning. “I’ve got your fax number, hussy” is what Dionne will say while faxing her hate note to Aretha.