Last week, Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck began the journey to legally cremate their marriage and spread its ashes at one of their favorite places: the pap stroll in front of the Brentwood Country Mart. They had been separated for an eternity (two years) and many of us thought that the chances of Nine Lives being inducted into the National Film Registry were greater than Jennifer and Ben divorcing each other. But they both filed papers and now People is popping up to say why they waited. A source tells them that Jennifer waited to file until Ben finished up rehab treatment for booze addiction. Ben apparently thought that if he cleaned up and got his shit together in rehab, he may have been able to save his marriage. We all know how that worked out.
One of People’s sources say that Jennifer and Ben always had divorce on the brain and never stopped wanting to be done with each other in the wedded sense. But another source says that Ben thought that he might be able to save his marriage by getting help.
“It came down to his last-ditch attempt at saving things by going to rehab. But it was just too little too late.”
Allison recently wrote about the riveting topic of the month: whether or not Ben Affleck is dating anyone. Everyone says something different. TMZ said that Ben is dating someone.E! News said that he’s not dating anyone serious. The same goes for Brad Pitt! Some said that Brad Pitt is dating a bit. Others said that Brad Pitt isn’t dating at all. Which is it?
Will these “sources” please get together in one room, or on a group text, and figure this shit out? Because some of us haven’t slept in days. We lie awake at night and when we roll over to the left, we think, “Hmm… I wonder who Ben Affleck’s regular fuck buddy is?” Then we roll over to the right and think, “But wait, People said that Ben’s dick isn’t tied to just one fuck buddy right now…” And then we roll over to the left again and think, “And what about Brad Pitt’s peen?” We do this all night long. We take sleeping pills but none are powerful enough to quiet are brains from wondering what’s going on with Ben Affleck and Brad Pitt’s dick right now?!
So please, “sources,” get down to the bottom of it. Some of us would like to sleep again! You know, now that I mention it, I bet these “sources” are doing this to us on purpose, because they’re getting a percentage of profits from the Ambien bitches.
And here’s Ben Affleck cheating on his usual coffee spot, Farmshop at the Brentwood Country Mart, with Starbucks. What a no-good cheating coffee slut.