Bradley Cooper and his piece of 2 years Irina Shayk never publicly admitted that a Cooper-Shayk fetus was growing in her womb, but she let that fact be known at the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show last year. Irina sashayed down the runway while working a slightly covered-up teeny tiny bump that on a skinny lingerie model says, “I’m 5 months knocked up,” but on us regulars says, “I’ve been on the Master Cleanse for 10 days, I just had two enemas in a row and I’m sucking in so hard that I’ve got two broken rib bones now.” That baby is apparently here now and everyone is reporting that the kid was pulled out of Irina’s body two weeks ago. I know, if a celebrity baby is born and a black and white picture of the child’s hand clutching onto one of his parents’ fingers doesn’t show up on Instagram immediately, was the celebrity baby ever born? That is the eternal question.
A source tells People that 42-year-old B. Coop and 31-year-old Irina became parents two weeks ago. That’s the only information this “source” dribbled out. We don’t know if Irina had a boy or a girl. We don’t know the boy or girl’s name. We don’t know any highly important details like how much the newborn weighed in at or how tall the Coop baby is. We don’t know if the baby bonus money stated in Irina’s contract was wired into her checking account when her first contraction hit or right after the kid was born. We know nothing.
B. Coop’s next movie, Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2, comes out on May 5, so I’m guessing that his PR team will slowly trickle out info about his baby before that date. I better start stretching and working on my silent cry today, because I don’t have enough time to prepare to do an ultra dramatic wall slide of rejection and sadness on Victor Garber’s behalf when we find out that B. Coop didn’t name his kid Victor Garber Jr. Shayk Cooper.
UPDATE: That was fast. I barely had time to practice my ultra dramatic wall slide of rejection and sadness. E! News is saying that Irina had a girl and they named her Lea de Seine Shayk Cooper. Even though Lea de Seine sounds like the name of a powerful soap opera villainess, it’s still not Victor Garber Jr. Let my slow wall slide commence!