Do you ever get the feeling that asshole expert (takes one to know one) Gwyneth Paltrow is just super-bored and actually just engaged in a trolling long game? Maybe all of her foolishness is an effort to combat the ennui that stems from being a rich white lady with very little adversity in her life? No, she’s not bright enough for that and is probably really this annoying. It was bad enough that she’s fancied herself “Gwyneth Paltrow, Cooch Counselor” for the past couple of years.
Now US Magazine reports that she’s lecturing depressed people on how to deal with their illness. (I’d rather undergo sex therapy with Dr. Phil.) In a post on her digital house of idiocy website, GOOP (via US Magazine), Gwyneth writes that the remedy for depression, insomnia and a host of other medical ills is something called “earthing.” Translation – walk barefoot outside. But what if I live in an urban area? There could be broken glass or vomit on the sidewalk. What if I don’t have feet? I hate you, Gwyneth.
Earthing therapy rests on the intuitive assumption that connecting to the energy of the planet is healthy for our souls and bodies, the article begins, noting that there’s a “scientific angle” to the theory. Several people in our community (including GP) swear by earthing — also called grounding — for everything from inflammation and arthritis to insomnia and depression.
Please understand that you can not “earth” (is she for real?) indoors. If you merely walk barefoot on your interior floors, you won’t get the same effect as walking outside barefoot and risking stepping in dogshit.
It does, however, require that you go outside. “Walking barefoot in your home, where minimally conductive or nonconductive materials like concrete foundations and hardwood floors insulate us from the earth’s electric potential, will not have the same effect,” the expert explained.
Justice would be a legion of women eventually gathering to march in protest on Gwyneth’s luxury brownstone to condemn her and all of her elitist douche evil. Women who have steamed their vaginas to amazon rainforest-levels of strength-zapping, sultry jungle heat for naught. Women whose depression was not suddenly lifted by walking on lawns. Women ready to #OccupyGOOPsFrontYard in hovels built from bullshit jade pussy eggs!