Open Post: Hosted By Scenes From The “Dirty Dancing” Remake That Nobody Wanted

April 6, 2017 / Posted by:

No, that isn’t a picture of your uncoordinated cousin recreating the Dirty Dancing lift for her engagement announcement on Facebook. That’s a picture from a professional production of Dirty Dancing, and it sums it all up, pretty much.

If you buried the gross, hurtful memory of ABC’s remake of Dirty Dancing and forgot about it, then I apologize for bringing it back up with these pictures that came out yesterday. I bet that right after ABC released stills from their Dirty Dancing remake, every TV critic started pre-writing their review and they’re first line is: I DIDN’T have the time of my life.

ABC’s Dirty Dancing stars Abigail Breslin (as Baby), dancer/Instagram THOT Colt Prattes (as Johnny Castle), Debra Messing (as Baby’s mom), Bruce Greenwood (as Baby’s daddy), Sarah Hyland (as Baby’s sister) and Nicole Scherzinger (as Penny). It’ll splatter onto TV screens on May 24. I know the phrase “this is a Dollar Tree version of” is overused (and mostly by me), but this looks worse than a Dollar Tree version of Dirty Dancing. It’s like the head bitches at ABC thought, “I know what our viewers want! An exact remake of Dirty Dancing but cheaper-looking and shitty!

These stills looking like they’re from an unauthorized Dirty Dancing remake called Filthy Moves that’s sold exclusively on subway platforms. I know that Baby isn’t exactly the definition of glamour, but in every picture, Abigail Breslin looks like she just rolled out of bed, where she’s been for the past 3 weeks while sick with a serious case of the flu.

The only thing that can save this blasphemous DD remake is Katey Sagal as the hot cougar who gets revenge on Johnny for choosing Baby over her. See. This DD remake already doesn’t make sense. Who would choose Baby over this pure hotness?

kateydirtydancing2017

And Johnny Castle looks like he just got back from playing Danny Zuko in a community theater production of Grease. Oh well, at least Patrick Swayze is getting in some cardio from rolling so much.

Pics: ABC

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