Jon Gosselin’s Stripper Phase Is Over

April 2, 2017 / Posted by:

Jon and Kate Gosselin are like the roaches you see scattering around the kitchen that come out to taunt you with their existence every now and again. These mu’fuckas just refuse to call the time of death on their “celebrity,” because Kate is still pimping the kids out on TLC and Jon is now a stripper.

Yes, I know, you need a moment to go grab the lotion of your choice because the mental image of his pasty, busted biscuit can shaped body gyrating for the masses is setting your loins to BROIL. Well, unfortunately for all of us, Jon is more of a cock tease than the girl in high school who only gives out hand jobs.

Jon made his stripper debut Saturday night in Atlantic City, but he didn’t take his clothes off (Thank God!). The whole gag (which is what many would have done had he taken his damn clothes off) was a part of his 40th birthday celebration at Dusk Nightclub.

E! Online reports that the venue was filled with family and friends cheering him on while he did the Dad twerk completely clothed next to dancers from the Untamed Male Revue. Honestly, for Saturday night’s fuckery, they should have changed their name to the Unwanted Male Revue.

The Jon and Kate Plus 8 patriarch, who first announced the cameo appearance last week, graced the stage on multiple occasions and jammed out alongside the male entertainers to Justin Timberlake’s “Sexy Back,” Ginuwine’s “Pony” and Right Said Fred’s “I’m Too Sexy.” E! reports, adding. “Attendees weren’t the least bit disappointed by Jon’s modesty, and it didn’t stop one women from unexpectedly sticking a $100 bill down his pants! He ended the show with a balloon-filled birthday extravaganza set to 50 Cent’s “In Da Club,” telling the audience, “I know it’s not what you expected, but the guys are great.”

Ooooh ooooh, I have a question! Why the fuck are you doing too much Jon Gosselin? Nobody was on board with you stripping in the first place, but to then not even get nekkid is just plain blasphemy, especially to those of us who respect the fine craft of dick slinging and ass poppin’. Jon further explained what made him decide to waste our time with stunt queen antics.

“Everyone wants to know why I did this. I’ve been under media scrutiny for a good part of my life, 10 years. I wanted to give myself the best 40th birthday present ever. I wanted my family and my friends to be there and why not have a huge party with an amazing venue?”

Jon, I got to hit you with a huge “whatever bitch,” because I’m just too sure the only birthday gift you were searching for this year was relevance. Why are these old reality whores so damn thirsty for the spotlight? Your time in the microwave is over Hot Pocket, go sit your ass down somewhere and give us all the gift of forgetting who the hell you are. But then again, I guess if you got a million kids you gotta keep the checks coming in somehow. Even if it means embarassing yourself more than you did when you were famous.

But anyway, you can check out Juicy Jonny’s debut below, but please be warned. Once he grabs his fire hose and sprays the crowd with his sexiness, your nipples may begin twitching rapidly from side-to-side like windshield wipers during a torrential rain. Prepare for supreme panty pudding in 3…2…

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