Archives: April 2017
Open Post: Hosted By Channing Tatum Giving Other Celebrities Stripper Names
Channing Tatum recently opened the official Magic Mike male stripper show in Las Vegas, and he’s been doing the press rounds for it. E! News showed him a bunch of pics of other male celebrities and asked him to come up with stripper aliases for them on the spot. Channing dialed his mind from: “did I really sign up to star in a gender-swapped reboot of Splash?” to: “play cutesy with the press” and gave it the old college try.
Here are some of Channing’s suggestions followed by mine:
Zac Efron
Channing: “Rusty Sparkplug”
Me: “Bronzer Buttplug”
George Clooney
Channing Tatum: “Debonair Dogleg”
Me: Forget the game for a mo and let’s wonder why Channing is mentioning Clooney’s dogleg. Does he know something about what George is packing that we don’t? Hmmmm.
Jonah Hill
Channing: “The Unicorn”
Me: Can I use “buttplug” again?
Harry Styles
Channing: “The English Muffin”
Me: “Jailbait Joey”
Justin Bieber
Channing: “The Tattooed Kid” (but, judging by his expression, he totally wanted to go with “Irritating Shithead”
Me: “Irritating Shithead”
Leonardo DiCaprio
Channing: “The Deep Experience”
Me: Bitch, please! (Unless he was being shady, then sure.)
Chris Pratt
Channing: “Pratt”
Me: “Secret MAGA”
Watch Channing Tatum objectifying his fellow himbos below.
Pic: Instagram
Michael Fassbender Is Aware That He’s Hotter Than Tom Hiddleston
Penis objectification denouncer Michael Fassbender is out shilling the new Alien: We Really Gotta Stop Just Standing There And Waiting For The Facehugger To Leap Out Of The Egg And Suck On To Our Mugs flick.
Michael, who plays his Prometheus android character as well as another identical android in the new Alien, says that he’s mistaken for Tom “I ♥ T.S.” Hiddleston all the time. The Daily Telegraph (via The Daily Mail) reveals that Michael says he feels that he’s much hotter than Tom. Of course he’s sexier, he’s never been with Taylor Swift. The mark of Tay Tay messes with a guy’s hotness.
And he feels the comparisons are faulty. They’re faulty because he’s young, hot Magneto and gets blown by guys in movies! Let’s see Loki and his stupid horns do that. AND, he probably has a bigger penis. We’ve all seen that cock of the walk he did in Shame (Tom’s Tumblr nation is going to find me for that one).
“Happens all the time,” he joked.
“I can see the similarities, but I’m better looking than him,” he added with a laugh.
Damn right! You don’t have to stick the laugh in there just to make like you’re joking so Tom will feel better. He’ll be fine. After all, he singlehandedly saved South Sudan, so he always got that accomplishment to fall back if he’s having trouble landing ladies. Girls like a humblebragger, right?
Other reasons why Michael > Tom? He’s never worn a I ♥ A.V. Club tank top. If this were Studs, I’d totally be the 1990s girl in the spandex sheathe minidress with the crispy bangs that chooses you, Michael.
Pic: WENN
Madonna, Prince, Cher… And Now Cyrus?
Billy Ray Cyrus is celebrating the 25th anniversary of his contribution to the “Worst Songs in The History Of Sound Recording” category by taking a John Deere tractor ride over his name. Henceforth, he shall simply be known as “Cyrus.” Even his daughter Miley Cyrus is making a face, and that chick has made a career out of giving the world full-body cringes.
Bella Hadid Apologized For Luring People To The Fyre Festival
The Fyre Festival has come to full embody the phrase “unmitigated disaster.” Much like we asked ourselves after the Bowling Green Massacre, where were YOU when the Fyre burned out? Hopefully, relief efforts (volunteers bringing emergency Axe body spray, gluten-free muffins, and civil litigation attorneys) are on the way.
Will Ferrell Reprised His Dubya Impression
TBS’ Full Frontal host, Samantha Bee, put on a “NOT The White House Correspondents Dinner” show in Washington, D.C. last night. To augment the huge amount of “EFF POTUS” comedy, one of the highlights was Will Ferrell doing his impression Dubya again.
Back in the day, former president George W. Bush was one of Will’s most popular bits when he was on Saturday Night Live. Speaking for myself, I actually preferred Will and Rachel Dratch as tantric college professor LOV-AHS in the HAW-TUB, but I know, I’m weird.
Hot Slut Of The Day!
Mr. Gorilla, the cop from England who heroically crawled the entire route of the London Marathon while wearing a gorilla suit.
The London Marathon started on Sunday, April 23, and the person who did it the fastest was Daniel Wanjiru, who ran its 26.2 mile course in two hours, five minutes and forty-eight seconds. Mr. Gorilla finished the marathon in six-and-a-half days. Crawling over 26 miles in around six days is impressive, because I wouldn’t make it to the six minute mark after realizing that if I kept going, my knee caps would quit my body and then how in the hell would I get on my knees to…. pray during Sunday mass? Yes, to pray during mass.