Get out of the pre-motorboating position, I wasn’t talking about that kind of glorious bronze bust.
If Eric Trump got a Hitler youth haircut, had his face lipo’d by a de-licensed back alley plastic surgeon, huffed so much helium that his eyes went all Parasite Hilton and got sprayed down by the same fake tan diarrhea that his dad gets sprayed down with, he would look like this bust of Cristiano Ronaldo.
That shit looks like Sloth from Goonies if Sloth from Goonies went on a public access television reboot of The Swan. Yes, that thing looks like it’s high on bath salts and is going to eat my face cheek off, but with that said, I am happy that my favorite sculptor, the artiste who did the iconic Scary Lucy statue, got more work. That’s what who made that bust, right?
There’s already one Crispy Ronaldo statue (complete with a bronze boner) in his hometown of Funchal, Madeira in Portugal, but there can never be enough Crispy statutes in Funchal, especially one that is that horrifyingly hilarious. Today, the local airport in Funchal was renamed the Cristiano Ronaldo International Airport, and at the ceremony, they unveiled a bronze bust that’s supposed to be of him. That wreck puts the bust in BUSTED, but I see what the officials at the Crispy Airport did.
They knew that Crispy Ronaldo’s deep fried ego would explode from having an international airport named after him, so they brought him down to earth with a “Cristiano Ronaldo” bust that looks like a zombiefied and roided-up Scott Caan after getting hit in the face with a wrecking ball. But I will say that the bust’s shiny bronze complexion is spot-on.
Here’s Crispy with his bust. On the right is me in my Grindr picture, and on the left is me when I show up to the trick’s house in person:
— Bleacher Report (@BleacherReport) March 29, 2017
I do have to hand it to Crispy for being so calm and keeping it professional when he saw that bust’s raggedy eyebrow situation. Those eyebrows look like they haven’t been touched by a tweezer or a wax strip in at least 6 hours. You know that in the middle of the night Crispy is going to tip toe into the airport with a chisel to fix that thing’s brows. Because messed-up brows are just unacceptable!