It’s been almost five years since Katie Holmes climbed down an escape rope made of bed sheets from a high floor window in the Scientology Celebrity Centre and raaaan, raaaan, raaan to freedom. Since then, there’s been rumors that Tom Cruise has auditioned possible beard wives, but either he rejected them or they had the sense to turn down the Jesus of Scientology. The always-correct InTouchWeekly says that Tommy thinks that he may have finally found the lucky woman (read: future prisoner) whom he will woo (read: promise her further fame and fortune while passing her a long-term contract to sign), marry in a lavish ceremony (read: a ceremony where Scientology scientists will replace her brain with a hard drive ) and make sweet love to (read: bust a thetan-covered load of baby batter into a turkey baster that she will be inseminated with). And that lucky woman is apparently British actress Vanessa Kirby.
28-year-old Vanessa, who plays Princess Margaret on The Crown, was cast in Mission: Impossible 6, and InTouch’s source says that 54-year-old Tommy also wants to cast her in the shitty role of his next wife. Being a husband and father is really important to Tommy (“O rly?” – Suri Cruise) and he’s ready to take another beard.
“He wants to make her the next Mrs. Tom Cruise. They had instant chemistry, and of course she got the role. He’s blown her away with his endless charm and energy. He thinks she’s perfect to be his next wife. His role as a husband and father is of the utmost importance to him. He can’t wait to be a family man all over again.”
The Tale of TomKat goes that Katie landed the not-so-coveted role of Tom’s girlfriend after showing up to an audition for what she thought was a role in a Mission: Impossible. Jessica Alba, ScarJo, Kate Bosworth and Lindsay Lohan (my soul shakes from thinking about the crazed union of TomLin) were all apparently in the running to be Tommy’s next girlfriend. So at least Vanessa got the role in the movie unlike Katie, but she should leave it at that.
If Vanessa hears the clickety-clack sound of Tommy’s cha-cha heels as he walks toward her trailer after a day of shooting, she needs to scare him off by throwing anti-depressants at him. If Vanessa sees Tommy walking toward her with a bouquet of flowers (aka a relationship contract folded into origami roses), she needs to scream, “Leah Remini, Leah Remini!”, several times and then run away. It’s not worth it. Look at Katie Holmes. She probably thought that marrying Tom Cruise would lead to her becoming an A-list movie star, but that didn’t happen and she probably can’t even watch a sci-fi movie without getting the shakes. Don’t do it, Vanessa!
If you’re like me and have never seen The Crown (I’m waiting until they get to the adult Prince Hot Ginge years), here’s a bunch of pictures of Vanessa Kirby.