If you didn’t see the live-action Beauty and the Beast movie this past weekend, then you and I may be the only humans in the land who didn’t pay to see and listen to an auto-tuned Hermione Granger trying to get into the satin capris of a CGI buffalo. Although, I did try to buy tickets at around noon on Saturday, only to find out that pretty much every showing was sold the hell out. I took that as the universe doing me a favor. Because there’s not enough weed in California to keep me from snapping at a kid who won’t stop loudly singing along to that shit. And there’s also not enough weed in California to fully erase the pain from my face after some dad breaks my mouth with his fist for snapping at his singing kid.
Despite the threat of that “exclusively gay moment” burning the innocence out of Christian children, Deadline says that Disney’s live-action BatB broke records and took in $174.8 million at the domestic box office alone. It took down Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice, which held the record for the biggest March opening with $166 million. BatB also earned itself the title of the sixth biggest domestic box office opening of all-time.
Box Office Mojo says that it made $180 outside of the U.S., giving it a worldwide total of around $355 million. So when Mickey Mouse celebrates tonight by hitting the strip club, he better make it rain $100 bills on the pussy poppin’ mouse strippers.
Box Office Mojo adds that women helped put BatB on top:
Beauty and the Beast will look to continue its domestic performance over the coming weeks after receiving an “A” CinemaScore from opening day audiences of which 72% were female vs. 28% male and 45% of opening day audience members were under the age of 25. Beyond opening weekend the overall audience breakdown saw a 60% female vs. 40% male split, of which 52% were under the age of 25.
Disney pimped the shit out of Beauty and the Beast for what felt like eons. I even had recent nightmares about it, which tells me that Disney was able to buy ad space in my dreams. So because they whored it out hard, it’s not exactly a shock that it made so much cash. And I guess this means that Disney will do even more live-action versions of their cartoon movies. They’re already putting together live-action versions of The Lion King, Dumbo, Mulan, Aladdin, The Little Mermaid and more.
I never understood why the animated turd The Black Cauldron was a huge flop, but I’m glad it was. Because that means Disney will never try to do a live-action version of it. (Cut to that evil bitch Mickey Mouse destroying what’s left of my soul by announcing a live-action The Black Cauldron movie starring Taylor Swift.)