Goopy Paltrow has been bumping her freshly steamed organiqué oystéré against Glee and American Horror Story co-creator, Brad Falchuk, since August 2014 and she’s apparently ready to make him her second husband. The inside of Brad’s body must look like a scene out of AHS right now. The thought of being legally tied to Goopy is probably making Brad’s bowels scream because they know she’ll make him do a raw goat milk cleanse every year. And Brad’s ass walls are probably shivering with fear over thinking about how Goopy is going to make him shoot mugwort steam up in there before getting an activated charcoal and cactus water enema.
Just a couple of weeks after BraGoop went *INSTAGRAM OFFICIAL*, a source tells UsWeekly that she’s ready to get engaged to Brad. It’s been around eight months since Goopy’s divorce to Chris Martin was finalized. The source says that everybody in her life loves Brad and she’s waiting for him to propose. And she’s probably hoping he’ll poop (typo that makes sense) the question during a very romantic time, like when they’re getting side-by-side colonics. The source said this:
“They speak about marriage all the time and know it’ll happen. Her kids love him and think he’s the best.
Chris totally approves of Brad. He thinks he’s a good guy.
He’ll do it when the time is right. And when he does, of course she will say yes.”
“…of coure she will say yes.” That source doesn’t know Goopy very well. If the engagement ring Brad presents to Goopy isn’t a completely flawless 5-carat, eco-friendly diamond that was hand-picked by fourth generation diamond miners in South Africa just for her and hasn’t been blessed by her personal shaman using locally-grown sage, she’s not going to say yes. She’s going to say, “And to think, I thought you loved me.” Goopy would rather finger fuck a turned-on garbage disposal than put anything less than that on her hand!
And here’s Goopy appearing through FaceTime in Lena Dunham’s phone at the flagship opening of Tracy Anderson’s (she’s that overpriced body torturer to the stars) studio in NYC last night.