A “Girl With The Dragon Tattoo” Sequel Is Happening But Without Rooney Mara And Daniel Craig

Hollywood did an English-language remake of The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo in 2011, because they knew that us Americans are way too lazy to read subtitles while watching the Swedish version. Besides, how can I troll Grindr and answer e-mails in the movie theater when I have to read subtitles?! David Fincher directed the American version and Rooney Mara and Daniel Craig took over for Noomi Rapace (as Lisbeth Salander) and Michael Nyqvist (as the journalist dude). It cost $90 million to make and made around $233 million worldwide.

David Fincher planned to get everyone back together to do an American version of The Girl Who Played With Fire, the second book in Stieg Larsson’s series, but that obviously never happened. Deadline says that Sony is now making plans to do an American movie version of The Girl In The Spider’s Web, the fourth book in the series, but David, Rooney and Daniel will not be involved at all. I know, if it’s not going to have any Daniel Craig nips in it, why bother?

Fede Alvarez, who directed and co-wrote Don’t Breathe, will direct The Girl In The Spider’s Web (which sounds like the name of a Gwen Stefani biopic). Stieg Larsson died in 2004, so The Girl In The Spider’s Web was written by Swedish author David Lagercrantz. Deadline says that Fede, Steven Knight and Jay Basu have written the script for the American version and shooting will start in September. It’s supposed to come out on October 5, 2018. They haven’t cast a Lisbeth yet and Fede said this about that:

“I’m hugely excited and grateful for this opportunity. Sony has become family to me, and I can’t think of a more thrilling project to celebrate our relationship. Lisbeth Salander is the kind of character any director dreams of bringing to life. We’ve got a great script and now comes the most fun part — finding our Lisbeth.”

Buzzfeed says that Sony doesn’t want to spend as much money on the sequel as they did on Th Girl With The Dragon Tattoo, so that could be why David Fincher and Rooney Mara bowed out of that bitch.

As for which actress will do herself up in Hot Topic drag to play Lisbeth, Variety says that Sony is looking at Natalie Portman and ScarJo, because you know, there’s only like five 30-something actresses in Hollywood. Sony must really hates ears, because mine have cried just from thinking about marble-mouthed ScarJo trying to produce a Swedish accent. She’d probably sound like the Swedish Chef on novocaine.

But screw Natalie and ScarJo! Sony needs to get a Swedish actor, and what I mean by that is that they need to get Alexander Skarsgard and change the title to The Hot Piece In The Spider’s Web. It should be 100 non-stop minutes of a naked Alexander Skarsgard writhing around in a spider web. It’d save the economy, it’d make us believe in Hollywood again, and every movie theater floor would get power washed by a strong blast of crotch fluids coming out of everyone.

And here’s Daniel Craig looking hot and greasy at the Into Film Awards in London today.

Pics: Sony, Wenn.com