Hot Slut Of The Day!

March 6, 2017 / Posted by:

Mamacita (as played by Jackie Hoffman) from FX’s Feud!

Ryan Murphy said a while ago that Feud: Bette and Joan isn’t going to be just a camp extravaganza that’ll give drag queens much, much more material. There was a touch of that in last night’s premiere episode, but the camp was pretty much turned all the way down and I kept patiently waiting for Joan Crawford to rage scream her lush dog tail brows off after finding out that her dressing room didn’t have a tiny refrigerator filled with vodka, lemons, witch hazel and ice. (Joan’s bathroom had a refrigerator in it and it was always filled with a bowl of ice, lemons, witch hazel and a bottle of vodka. No, she didn’t use those ingredients to make herself a delicious witch hazel-tini. The ice, lemons and witch hazel were part of her daily beauty rituals and the vodka was her liquid Xanax.)

So far, Jessica Lange’s Joan Crawford is very “Jessica Lange with stick-on brows” and Susan Sarandon’s Bette Davis is very “Susan Sarandon trying to do a voice impersonation of the kid from Manchester By The Sea,” but I’m still into it. And for me, the best part of last night’s episode (besides seeing hot daddy Stanley Tucci, who spit out the cunt word on basic cable, getting a rubdown) was Broadway actress Jackie Hoffman as MAMACITA!

Mamacita was Joan Crawford’s maid/lady-in-waiting/confidante/personal assistant. Mamacita was ride or die for Joan all the way. She wouldn’t just hold Joan’s purse, she’d also Crisco up her face and go after a trick for Joan. Vanity Fair points out that Joan wrote about Mamacita in her “lifestyle manual” from 1971 titled My Way of Life. Joan said that Mamacita became her devoted maid after she called a neighbor saying that she needed help with cleaning her house in Westhampton. The neighbor put their maid on the phone and the maid suggested her mom. Even though her nickname was “Mamacita,” Mamacita was about as Hispanic as bratwurst. She was a German grandmother. Joan explained Mamacita’s nickname like this:

“The next morning I was on the phone when they arrived. I turned for a moment and said, ‘Start in my bedroom and have her work her way through the other bedrooms and then down here,’ and then I went back to the phone. When I hung up I wanted to call her to come quickly to take the dogs out but I realized that I hadn’t asked her name. I had just returned from Rio de Janeiro, where all I had heard was mamacita, papacita, cousincita, everythingcita, so without thinking I called out, ‘Mamacita!’ Back she cried, ‘Ya! Ich comming!’ The name has stuck ever since.”

I can’t wait to call my cousins, “cousincita.” And I’m surprised that in the first episode, Joan doesn’t call Bette, “bitchcita,” or “cuntcita.”

Err, either Joan was bullshitting, or she was only surrounded by Spanish-speaking people in the Portuguese-speaking country of Brazil, or she was really in a Spanish-speaking country and just thought she was in Brazil. Who knows! But here’s a picture of the real Mamacita with Joan Crawford:

therealmamacitaandjoancrawford

And on last night’s episode, there’s a scene where Mamacita tells Joan, who is going broke, that the gardeners haven’t been paid for a while and they have this little exchange:

Here’s to Mamacita, and more moments where Mamacita makes us think about Joan Crawford’s crotch shrub!

Pics: FX, Simon and Schuster/The Intermediate Period

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