It only took 24 seasons, but I can finally stop calling it Dancing with the Has-Beens and Never-Wases, because the producers achieved the impossible. They were able to get the biggest star in the world: CHARO!!!!!
ABC announced this morning that after falling ratings, they have made the genius business decision of rebranding Dancing with the Stars to Dancing with CHARO!!! (And Some Lessers You Don’t Care About). ABC’s parent company, The Walt Disney Company, also announced that they have been forced to file for Chapter 11 since they spent all of their money and more on securing the biggest star in the world. But they’re hoping to make their money back when advertising for Dancing with CHARO!!! goes for quadruple Super Bowl commercial prices. Nielsen is also in the process of upgrading their database, because if they don’t, that shit will explode from all of the ratings that Dancing with CHARO!!! will get it.
Yes, nearly everything I wrote in the second paragraph is fake news. Or is it?
As expected, Hillary Clinton won’t be in the new season of DWTS, but Erika Jayne, Mr. T, one of the Fourth Harmonies and Nancy Kerrigan will be. But what wasn’t expected was Charo earning another halo by graciously agreeing to save ABC’s little show. The ageless diamond will pop her cuchi cuchi cuchi and set fire to loins when she dances with her partner Keo Motsepe during the DWTS season premiere on March 20.
Not that it matters, but here’s the rest of the cast:
Mr. T with partner Kym Herjavec née Johnson
Erika Jayne (from Real Housewives of Beverly Hills) with partner Gleb Savchenko
Nancy Kerrigan (Olympic figure skater) with partner Artem Chigvintsev
Simone Biles (Gold medal-winning gymnast) with partner Sasha Farber
Normani Kordei (from Fifth Harmony) with partner Valentin Chmerkovskiy
Heather Morris (Brittany from Glee) with partner Maksim Chmerkovskiy
Nick Viall (The Bachelor) with partner Peta Murgatroyd
Chris Kattan with partner Witney Carson
Rashad Jennings (NFL player) with partner Emma Slater
David Ross (retired baseball player) with partner Lindsay Arnold
Bonner Bolton (a bull rider) with partner Sharna Burgess
The TL;DR version of that is: Who cares, they’ve got Charo!
Even if Charo wasn’t in the cast, there’s still a lot of unfairness going on. Erika Jayne and Normani Kordei both regularly dance and Heather Morris is a dancer who danced for Beyonce. And I don’t want to hear any of that, “But ballroom dancing is totally different!”, bullshit from them.
But it doesn’t matter anyway, because during the first elimination episode, it will be clear who is going to win in the end. We’ll find out that everyone but Charo tied for last place since she got 100% of the votes!
And something tells me Nancy Kerrigan is going to wear full armor backstage just in case Jeff Gillooly or Tonya Harding get any ideas…
In the gallery below are pictures of the entire cast and pictures of Charo outside of Good Morning America in NYC today. Some of the others were there too, but I didn’t add their pictures, because no ones care about them.
Pics: ABC, Splash