Archives: March 2017

Poussey From “OITNB” Got Married Over The Weekend

March 27, 2017 / Posted by:

On Saturday, Samira Wiley (aka Poussey from Orange Is The New Black) got married to her fiancée of five months, OITNB writer Lauren Morelli. All the details of their wedding are from Martha Stewart Weddings. Samira and Lauren got married in Palm Springs, CA, the ceremony was officiated by Samira’s parents, and they walked up the aisle to Montell Jordan’s This Is How We Do It.

This is 29-year-old Samira’s first marriage and 34/35-year-old Lauren’s second. Lauren was married to a man when she started writing for OITNB. Writing about Piper and Alex’s relationship made Lauren realize she was a lesbian, and that’s when she quit her husband after two years and got with Samira.

Martha Stewart Weddings also released a picture of their wedding day. They look like the cover of a romance novel called Don’t Let Your Uncle Sit On The Furniture, We Don’t Want Stains.

Martha Stewart Weddings says that Samira and Lauren’s wedding was inspired by their love of Funfetti cake. But what Martha Stewart Weddings fails to mention is if they had a Funfetti wedding cake. Palm Springs is hot, and anyone who has ever gone to a summertime birthday party knows that Funfetti frosting doesn’t do heat. Thankfully they were covered in the event that the heat turned their dessert table into a melted pile of unicorn discharge. MSW says that Samira and Lauren walked into their reception to Justin Bieber’s Baby. Good thinking, girls. Your guests can’t be grossed out if they’re too busy trying to get that annoying song out of their heads.

Pic: Splash

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Birthday Sluts

March 27, 2017 / Posted by:

Xuxa (54)
Kimbra (27)
Holliday Grainger (29)
Jessie J (29)
Brenda Song (29)
Caroline Winberg (32)
Fergie (42)
Nathan Fillion (46)
Mariah Carey (47 or 48)
Elizabeth Mitchell (47)
Pauley Perrette (48)
Talisa Soto (50)
Dave Koz (54)
Quentin Tarantino (54)
Vicki Gunvalson (55)
Michael York (75)
Julian Glover (82)
Gloria Swanson (1899-1983)

Pic: Estadão

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Open Post: Hosted By This Irish College Student’s Insane Campaign Video

March 26, 2017 / Posted by:

I’d vote for her in a hot second!

Mashable would like you to meet University of Limerick, Ireland student, Aoife O’Brie. She’s running for the VP Academic Officer in her students’ union, and wanted to stand out from the competition, so she put together this crazy-ass campaign video. It’s going to take you on a journey behind the drapes of reality and further still. “I honestly thought I stuck to booze last night but now I’m not so sure…” – me after watching this video this morning.

Hopefully, she wins. She might have to make her acceptance speech from a wheelchair though because her asshole friend(?) hit her REALLY hard. Ow?

Pic: Facebook

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Shailene Woodley Struck A Plea Deal In Her Pipeline Arrest Last Year

March 26, 2017 / Posted by:

Shailene Woodley and her sun-dappled vagina found themselves in steel bracelets last October when they were arrested for protesting the Dakota Access Pipeline.

People is reporting that the celebrity woodland nymph won’t have to serve any jail time, as her lawyers struck a plea bargain for her. This is too bad, because the yard at a women’s prison seems like the optimal place to sun your vagine. Your crotch receives the vitamin D that your crazy limousine hippie mind thinks it requires, AND it’s the perfect way to let your fellow convicts know that you’re open to a jailhouse relationship with which to kill the time. Continue reading

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The One Direction/Girls Aloud Baby Is Here

March 26, 2017 / Posted by:

Former One Direction member Liam Payne twinked a fetus into former Girls Aloud member Cheryl (tn: Cheryl Ann Tweedy Cole Fernandez-Versini) nine months ago, and now that future British pop icon has emerged from the birth canal.

Liam announced on Instagram that Cheryl uncrossed her legs and gave the world a whole slew of upcoming OK! and HELLO! magazine articles on Wednesday of this week. One Direction fans who wanted Liam’s seed for their own wombs (and have also had to deal with another 1D-er spawning fairly recently) must already be suggesting baby names on social media. Although, I’m not sure “CherylColeIsEvilAndImLiamsOneAndOnly” is something you find in a baby naming book.

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Val Kilmer Is Fully In Love With Cate Blanchett

March 26, 2017 / Posted by:

The defiantly cancer-free Val Kilmer is probably the only person who didn’t snicker a little bit when they saw Cate Blanchett done up as a middle-aged The Sisters of Mercy fan for the next Thor flick. That’s because the best Batman (it’s an unpopular opinion but come find me if you feel differently) is in glorious Twitter love with the Australian actress.

Val has turned his Twitter feed into a veritable shrine dedicated to Cate Blanchett worship. It wouldn’t surprise me if noted eccentric Val dresses up his pets as Galadriel, Kate Hepburn, and a closeted lesbian housewife in the 1950s. Wait, scratch that, it probably shouldn’t be cats.

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