This brawl involving bagels is not to be confused with the brawl my hungover ass initiates at brunch whenever anyone goes for the last bagel, muffin or other bread item in the basket.
America has delivered a brawl caused by maple syrup and a brawl caused by spaghetti, and I guess our British brothers and sisters just couldn’t let us have all the classy food fighting fun. So BBC News says that on early Sunday morning, a bunch of drunk messes were on a train in the town of Hertfordshire in England when they started putting bagels onto the heads of passengers. Dougie Stew, who filmed and tweeted the Bagel Brawl of Britain, said that girls were pulling bagels out of their handbags and putting them on people’s heads while filming. Heaven is a place on earth and that place is a train where women magically pull bagels out of their purses.
Now, I would love it if some drunken wreck of a stranger put a free bagel beret on my head. (Although, I’d be a little disappointed if I was in England and someone didn’t put a crumpet on my head.) But some people didn’t love it. Dougie says that one guy started throwing them out the window and as he did that, two girls took the moment from happy bagel time fun to fight night.
“It’s hard to know how it started – one of them was saying the other one looked at her funny. They had to get a few bodies in between to keep them apart. The bagel thing was still going on at the same time and this fella started chucking them out the window. I don’t think he thought it was funny anymore.
Some of the more level-headed people on board had to separate these girls because they were repeatedly getting up and trying to get at each other. I was sat there filming it thinking: there’s so many plots going on here, it’s like an episode of Black Mirror. I’ve never seen anything like it.”
The dude who threw out the bagels is not my kind. If a drunken fight broke out in front of me, I’d need something to snack on while enjoying it. And if popcorn isn’t available, a cold, uncooked bagel out of a stranger’s puss (typo and it stays) will do!
Dougie says that another plot was added to the madness when a group of guys came in from another train car and started banging on the windows. That caused even more chaos. The bobbies ended up being called and they got on the train to figure out what went down. The best part of this video has to be the end. From moment 0:00 to 2:12 is when the teacher leaves the room and from moment to 2:12 to 2:18 is when the teacher comes back in.
— dougie stew? (@DougieStew) February 26, 2017
No arrests were made, but the British Transport Police did make it clear that no bagel should be treated so cruelly.
The real winners (besides those of us who get to watch the classy fuckery from afar) are the train track rats. They’ll forever remember the magical night in February when bagels fell from the sky…