During last night’s Oscars, Dakota Johnson presented with her Fifty Shades Duller co-star Jamie Dornan, and they did a hilarious bit where they pretended to have chemistry with each other. Clearly Dakota was afraid all the crotch-searing sexuality between her and Jamie would be too much for the audience to handle, and she dressed accordingly. And by accordingly, I mean she counter-balanced it by dressing in an unsexy satin nightgown situation that was made by Gucci.
I have no idea what look Dakota Johnson was going for. Virginal Grandma with Benjamin Buttons syndrome? She’s definitely giving off the vibe of someone who has to pray for at least 45 minutes before she allows Ezekiel to “lay with her.” But to me, she also kind of looks like a maid who works for a 1920s silent film star that just got busted by the lady of the manor while trying on madame’s finery. I just pictured Dakota clutching a pair of marabou slippers as she gets evicted from the premises while screaming “I’M KEEPING THESE, YOU BITCH!”
Taraji P. Henson also brought it last night in Alberta Ferretti. Remember how I said Dakota looks like some rich lady’s maid? Taraji totally looks like that rich lady. Taraji is giving you “check her pockets for silverware.”
Priyanka Chopra must have hired Chip and Joanna Gaines as her stylists, because she appears to have worn a Ralph & Russo dress made out of a sheet of glass tile backsplash.
I love a dress that takes me back to the best day of kindergarten: PARACHUTE DAY! I can see the dodge balls bouncing dangerously close to my face right now. Although I do feel a little bad for Leslie Mann; who knows how many grubby Lunchables-covered hands touched her Zac Posen dress before she put it on.
Here’s more pictures from last night. There’s a lot of white and black and grey and BORING.