Tonight is the night when many of us will call 911 to report a grand theft robbery after (probably) witnessing Moonlight get shamelessly robbed by a “singing,” dancing and prancing Emma Stone and Ryan Gosling. If you’re a 911 operator and happen to get a call tonight from a crazed and drunken gay dude who is slurring out the words, “It was the ginger and the warbling Canadian dreamboat! I saw them rob Moonlight with my own eyes,” please take my report seriously and dispatch the cops to arrest those thieving tricks immediately.
If you’re planning to play a drinking game while watching all 900 hours of the Oscars tonight and you don’t want your liver to melt and slip out of your asshole, I suggest you take a drink every time La La Land doesn’t win and when a winner doesn’t get political during their speech. But if you really want your liver to melt and slip out of your asshole tonight, then go ahead and take a drink every time La La Land wins and when a winner gets political during their speech. Or just do like I do and stick a bunch of wine corks up your culo so your liver doesn’t slip out and drink the entire time.
I may spit up a few Oscar posts tonight, but Allison and I will cover it all tomorrow.
And now I leave you with pictures of former HSOTD and once reigning Empress of the Oscars Red Carpet (not to be confused with the Queen of the Oscars Red Carpet, Edy Williams), Sally Kirkland wearing one of my all-time favorite Oscar looks in 2007. Sally looked like she was on her way to a funeral for a stripper and got trapped in a deflated hot air balloon. I’m no Sally Kirkland historian, sadly, but my research shows that 2007 was the last time she graced the Oscars red carpet with her charisma, glamour and star power. The other jealous stars probably threatened to boycott if Sally was invited to the Oscars again, because they were sick of her stealing the spotlight from their boring asses. And dear God if Sally Kirkland makes her grand return to the Oscars red carpet tonight, I promise to stay 100% sober throughout the entire show (and yes, I crossed my toes, eyes and ass lips while typing that).