This morning, I imagine that the denizens of the House of Chanel can hear a plaintive meowing echoing in their hallowed halls. It’s a despondent kitty named Choupette Lagerfeld. She’s wearing a couture mourning veil and won’t come out of the privacy cave of her solid gold litter box after Meryl Streep publicly blasted her owner Karl Lagerfeld with nuclear actress words. So he’s probably gone now, and all that remains is a snow-white ponytail, a bit of a haughty arched eyebrow, and a still burning black pussy bow. Choupette’s whiskers are bowed this morning.
The most exciting thing about this year’s Oscars (unless Moonlight wins everything) is the vicious feud that’s erupted after kantankerous Karl called Meryl “cheap” due to her deciding against wearing a Chanel dress he was tailoring for her. Karl accused Meryl of being a greedy dress mercenary and having made the switch because she was being offered money by another designer to wear THEIR glad rags on the red carpet. Meryl’s stylist and her rep both denied this, and Chanel released a statement agreeing with that and hinting that Karl might not have swallowed all the pillies in the little paper cup that the nurse brought him that day.
Yesterday, Karl himself sorta-apologized to Meryl in a statement to WWD (via ET). Someone at Chanel obviously yanked him by his ponytail straight out of his self-delusion. You don’t drag Meryl! She was Karen Silkwood! She had to make that choice! You insult Meryl, you insult #murica! For fun, read this aloud through clenched teeth in a croaky German accent.
“Chanel engaged in conversations with Ms. Streep’s stylist, on her request, to design a dress for her to wear to the Academy Awards,” Lagerfeld’s statement read. “After an informal conversation, I misunderstood that Ms. Streep may have chosen another designer due to remuneration, which Ms. Streep’s team has confirmed is not the case. I regret this controversy and wish Ms. Streep well with her 20th Academy Award nomination.”
This tea is weak, right? Meryl thought so, too. She took off her coat, rolled up her any-designer-but-Chanel sleeves, and went in on Karl. In her harangue, Meryl also revealed that being the best there is at what you do tends to make a bitch proud of herself.
“In reference to Mr. Lagerfeld’s ‘statement,’ there is no ‘controversy’: Karl Lagerfeld, a prominent designer, defamed me, my stylist, and the illustrious designer whose dress I chose to wear, in an important industry publication,” she said. “That publication printed this defamation, unchecked.”
“Subsequently, the story was picked up globally, and continues, globally, to overwhelm my appearance at the Oscars, on the occasion of my record breaking 20th nomination, and to eclipse this honor in the eyes of the media, my colleagues and the audience. I do not take this lightly, and Mr. Lagerfeld’s generic ‘statement’ of regret for this ‘controversy’ was not an apology,” she continued. “He lied, they printed the lie, and I am still waiting.”
I hope Meryl didn’t dislocate anything trying to pat herself on the back. Call her Ms. Streep! Our grande dame actress will not brook insolence and you can believe she’s fully aware that she’s a universal treasure.
Hopefully this will go on forever and it won’t end until Meryl plays Karl in an unflattering bio-pic. Everybody in the stands of this tennis match just swiveled their heads to look expectantly at Karl’s side of the court. Even Choupette is like, “your move, girl” to her human.