A Pregnant Natalie Portman Won’t Be At The Oscars Tonight

Those of you who were looking forward to watching Natalie Portman balance her second Oscar on her second pregnant belly tonight are shit out of luck. People reports that Natalie won’t be attending the Oscars tonight due to her ever-so-delicate condition.

“Due to my pregnancy, I am unable to attend the Independent Spirit Awards and the Academy Awards,” Portman said in statement to PEOPLE. “I feel so lucky to be honored among my fellow nominees and wish them the most beautiful of weekends.”

The 35-year-old star, who is up for a Best Actress Oscar for her portrayal of former first lady Jackie Kennedy in the biopic Jackie, is currently expecting her second child with French choreographer husband Benjamin Millepied. Their second child will join the couple’s 5½-year-old son Aleph.

This is unfortunate because, personally, I always feel bad for the guys and gals in those demeaning little boxes when they announce the winner and the winner didn’t even bother to show up! “I lost to a fucking movie still?” – those losers.

Hopefully Natalie has someone controversial standing by to accept her award for her, or a dude ready to run across the stage with his dick out, so we have something exciting to watch.

That sound you hear is Emma Stone “whew!“-ing and wiping the sweat off her allegedly slightly-Asian brow in relief. Nat was also knocked up when she accepted her trophy for Black Swan. A pregnant Nat’s presence tonight would be a total history repeat and cause a confluence of fate and time that would assure her the win for playing Jaqueline Kennedy in the movie Jackie. Now Emma’s a shoe-in. She can sing and dance her way to the stage and snatch up that gold dude! She just sent Nat one of those horrific diaper cakes as a “thank you.”

Pic: WENN