After Donald Trump pretty much said, “Have fun pissing in the bushes, kids!”, to trans students when he revoked federal guidelines that allowed kids to choose the bathroom at school that matches their gender identity, many famous types spoke out including Jackie Evancho and Laverne Cox. Caitlyn Jenner stayed quiet, at first, and I didn’t think she’d say anything…until E! paid her the right amount to give her thoughts in a special. But yesterday, Caitlyn released a video response to Trump and I think my eyeballs are skinnier from the cardio (read: rolling) they did while I listened to her.
Caitlyn wanted pro-trans rights activist Ted Cruz to get the Republican presidential nom, but when he didn’t, she quickly slid over to Team Trump and dribbled out some shit about how Trump is going to be very good for women and the LGBTQ community. Caitlyn also went to DC for Trump’s inauguration. Trump promised that he’d do everything in his power to protect LGBTQ citizens, and now Caitlyn seems shocked that he took a naranja turd on that promise.
Caitlyn starts her video message to Trump by busting out a choreographed strut toward the camera while in her luxurious ivory tower in Malibu and I was kind of disappointed that she didn’t say, “Well, HELLO, welcome to my home. Do you like this blouse? It’s very dramatic.” The poster child for Out Of Touch-ness then used Trump’s (and Charlie Sheen’s) lingo to tell trans kids that they’re “winning,” and she went on to say some words that definitely came from the heart and were not written for her by publicists.
“I have a message for the trans kids of America: you’re winning. I know it doesn’t feel that way today or every day, but you’re winning. Very soon, we’ll win full freedom nationwide, and it’s going to happen with bipartisan support. For all our friends out there, if you want to be part of this winning side, you can help by checking out the National Center for Transgender Equality and letting Washington hear how you feel loud and clear.
Now I have a message for the bullies: you’re sick. And because you’re weak, you pick on kids or you pick on women or anyone you think is vulnerable. Apparently even becoming the Attorney General isn’t enough to cure some people of their insecurities. As proof, the Supreme Court will soon hear an important Title Nine case thanks to the courage of a brave young man named Gavin Grimm. Mr. President, we’ll see you in court.
Finally, I have a message for President Trump from one Republican to another, this is a disaster. And you can still fix it. You made a promise to protect the LGBTQ community. Call me.”
Many think that it’s nearly impossible to read words while saying different words at the same time, but I just proved them wrong! Because while reading Kaitlyn Kardashian’s statement, I said, “bitch, please,” out loud over and over again.
I will give Caitlyn points for one thing: her cue card-reading skills (or maybe she’s reading off of a teleprompter that Pimp Mama Kris gifts every cast member of Krapping Up the Kartrashians with) are better than Kendall Jenner’s.
— Caitlyn Jenner (@Caitlyn_Jenner) February 24, 2017
If Trump did actually call Caitlyn, I’m sure she’d talk about tax cuts for the rich, golf, tax cuts for the rich, golf and then she’d talk about tax cuts for the rich some more before saying, “Oh yeah, that little bathroom thing. Whatever, let’s talk about that another time, Donnie, and get back to talking about tax cuts for the rich….”
Here’s the Ambassador for all Trans Americans (in her head) at a basketball game at UCLA last week.