Keanu Reeves did a long interview with Esquire UK (via Celebitchy) to promote the sequel to John Wick, my favorite movie about a human avenging his dead dog. And during the interview with writer Johnny Davis, he talked about practically every movie he’s been in and also burped up his thoughts on the Sad Keanu meme from the days of internet yore as well as everyone saying that he’s an ageless vampire.
Keanu’s Esquire interview is the complete opposite of many recent celebrity interviews I’ve read. Kanye comes off as humble and normal – and I’m going to stop myself right there, because I realize I typed “Kanye” instead of “Keanu.” I’m going to keep it because it may be the only time I type, “Kanye comes off as humble.”
Keanu doesn’t seem like he’s got an ass full of his own head, but since reaching is my favorite sport, I am going to choose to believe that he got shady a couple of times. Johnny and Keanu were hanging around with one of Keanu’s friends and they talked about how his career has lasted a long time. Keanu’s friend called him a movie star and his response was, “So’s Mickey Mouse.” And then he also talked about why he’s private.
“So’s Mickey Mouse. Yeah, I am private. I mean, everybody’s mostly private. I think actors and actresses are maybe a little more private than other celebrities. I don’t know. Let’s look at the analytics, shall we?” — he mimes cutting to an infographic, as if on a TV news show — “‘OK! So, in the modern day…’ I don’t know. I’m a pretty private person. But I don’t have anything to tweet, or say, or anything.”
Reach #1: Mickey Mouse hasn’t starred in his own full-length film since 2004, so Keanu obviously got shady. I can’t wait for the Mickey v. Keanu beef of 2017.
Johnny also brought up the Sad Keanu meme and said that June 15th has been declared Cheer Up Keanu Day.
“Oh, that’s fun! I mean, it’s ridiculous. But it’s cool. It’s pretty meta. A picture says a thousand words and none of them can be true. The best in nature is subjective. But, I mean, I looked pretty sad. I was hanging out on the street…”
As for the other thing that people say about Keanu on the internet, Johnny asked him what he thinks about everyone saying he’s immortal. Note: Keanu never denied it!
“I mean, people say my age [Reeves appears terrifyingly unaffected by the passage of time]. But I’m just waiting for that to change.”
Keanu is 52 and doesn’t have any kids that we know of, so Johnny asked him if the world will ever be graced with chill babies made by him. Keanu doesn’t think so.
“I’m 52. I’m not going to have any kids.”
People have kids at all ages. Mick Jagger just had another.
“He’s ageless. How old is he? I mean, he’s… Oh my God!”
It’s not too late; 52 is fine. “I know. I know. I’m going to start using chemistry.”
Reach #2: This interview was probably done before the news about 55-year-old George Clooney being a dad came out, but again, I’m going to choose to believe that Keanu was throwing some Clooney shade by saying that he’s too old to be a dad.
And well, Keanu should maybe think about raising kids, because it’ll give him something to do. He told Johnny that he does nothing except for work and prepare for roles.
“Yeah. I don’t have anything better to do! I have nothing going on! I have no life! It’s just going to work and preparation.”
Anybody that heard Keanu’s accent in Bram Stoker’s Dracula probably threw a funny look at him claiming that he spends a lot of time on “preparation.”
And finally, Keanu got Shakespearean when talking about getting old.
“I’m every cliché. Fucking mortality. Ageing. I’m just starting to get better at it. Just the amount of stuff you have to do before you’re dead. I’m all of the clichés, and it’s embarrassing. It’s all of them. It’s just, ‘Oh my God. OK. Where did the time go? How come things are changing? How much time do I have left? What didn’t I do?’ I’m trying to think of the line from the sonnet… ‘And heavily from woe to woe tell o’er / The sad account of fore-bemoaned moan / Which I new pay as if not paid before’.
“So, yeah. I’m that guy.”
My response to that is best expressed through another sonnet: “Roses are red, violets are blue, Lindsay Lohan’s a liar, and so are you.” I mean, Keanu said exactly what someone would say if they didn’t want the world to know that they’re really an ageless vampire. We see you, Keanu.
And here’s Keanu Gray at LAX on Tuesday night: